gummo

gummo's dreams
2003-02-06 04:28:17 (UTC)

Bad dreams

When I was younger, I constantly had bad dreams. Not
nightmares involving scary things, but situations that
caused me a great amount of embarressment and shame. It was
always that I would be somewhere and then suddenly notice
that I didn't have any pants on. Or I forgot to put on my
shoes. Then as I got older, it was that I couldn't stop the
car I was driving and would bump someone in front of me.
Never a hard crash, just a slight bump. That would cause the
other driver to get out of their car and become irate. I
would be mortified.

It started to go away after awhile. Now the dreams are
coming back. It's the one where I forget to put on clothes.
I guess it's because I'm so embarressed of my body that it
would be mortifiying to be seen without clothes.

The other day I had a dream that I met up with some guys I
used to go to high school with. They started taunting me and
throwing water on me. Determined not to act like I was in
high school, I got up and started walking out. They followed
me and continued to taunt me. I started talking to them and
as soon as they started to know me better, they stopped. I
hope I'm never in that situation in real life. I wouldn't
know what to do. I also dreammed I was out with people and
my pants had a big rip in them so my penis would stick out.
People started to point and laugh and I would rush to put it
away. It was also discolored.

I'm sure this all represents shame. Being afraid to be
embarressed. In some ways I feel like I'm such a delicate
person. I often take things the wrong way and read too much
into things. I've just recently been trying to rid myself of
this. I don't think too much about that kind of stuff
anymore, but it sticks in the back of my mind.

"What did he really mean?"
"Why did she do that?"
"Did they not hear me?"

I'm definately not the person I was supposed to be. A big,
strong, rightous man. I may even compinsate by acting mean.
I've also knoticed recently how mean I've been. Not my
usual, nice self. Maybe it's everything that has mounting up
recently. I just need a release, like excercising, which I
don't do anymore. What didn't I like about feeling great?

Hopefully my art class will fill the void. I'm excited!
Starts Monday. I want to start fresh and work really hard.
Who knows, maybe this will open a locked place in my soul
where things will start pouring out. One can only hope. Then
all those "other" newspapers will be sorry they passed me up.




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