Claudia

once again
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2001-09-21 05:56:25 (UTC)

opening

Today was the first day I cried on the phine with Shawn in
a long time. I called him when I woke up and he had to
call me back. When he did I was so happy to see the
restaurant's name on the caller i.d. It was as if I hadn't
talked to him in ages. And he kept apologizing for doing
this to me and how it's all his fault and I asked him to
not do it unless this is really what he wants and he really
will be here on day. He said to not worry about it and he
will be. When we were hanging up I started to cry. All I
wanted was for him to hold me and he wanted the same. I
cried and I don't know why. The whole thing was so weird
to me and I couldn't understand why I was crying. I talk
to him almost everyday and I haven't cried for almost two
months and today was different. He called again 15 minuts
later to tell me he was leaving and going home and he
missed me. He promises he's calling tomorrow and I hope he
is. I can't wait for this mess to be over. When I can call
him and tell him I miss him and be able to see him. GOto
his apartment and spend the night with him and know I'm not
really leaving, I'm just going a few blocks away. When I
can actually sleep through the night and not wonder when
I 'm going to here his voice agian. I had a dream last
night that Tony and I got back together but I din't really
want to be with him and I was pregnant with Shawn's kids,
twins. I don't know why. I haven't talked to him in
almost 2 weeks and I don't evr want to seehim again, that's
true this time. It was weird because I treated him like
crap and followed him everywhere he went to make sure he
was telling me the truth and not cheating. Ands I even
told him I didn't want to be with him, but he said okay and
still stayed. I don't know how to read that dream. Lately
I've really been remembering my dreams, in detail too. I
usually never do, but for the last week I haven't been
sleeping real well and I've been waking up alot throughout
the night, tossing and turning and getting up for my days
feeling exausted. My mind is cluttered and I know that has
something to do with it, but I clear my head when I goto
sleep. Few more months, that's all.


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