2001-09-21 04:52:04 (UTC)

Dialog #1

Well, its 11:47 now on Thursday, September 20, 2001. Wow,
2001, I remember when it was 1990 and that seemed like
such an event. How quickly my life seems like its moving,
almost too fast for me to keep up at times it seems. I
lost something dear to me on sunday, chelsea, left me to
give herself some space to breathe and some room to grow.
I can totally understand that she wants that I'm just so
confused on how it would ever be if we got back together.
I know the feeling that she has, that when you are
presented with opportunities that you are able to shut
someone out partway because another person has been able
to fill that gap. I suppose that I have really bunked
things up for us before, between breaking up with her and
everything that has happened when I went there in the past
I can't blame her. I'm actually surprised that she lasted
this long with me without taking a break from me, or
leaving me. Our feelings used to be in sync with each
other, but now its like we are running on opposite
cylinders, with me having extreme love and caring and
wanting, and with her wanting to do her own thing or the
opposite. I've been searching for a way to get us both
back on the track for a long time, and perhaps when (if)
we get together we will start with a clean slate and
everything will be the way it was in the "happy" days.
That or maybe it won't be and we will just drift further
apart. That is my major worry, is that one or the other
one of us will change so much during this period. I guess
that I worry too much about these things, but I have a
habit of putting my whole heart into matters of these
which could be a large mistake on my part, maybe I
shouldn't get so emotional with these things. Its just
that 3 years of my life has passed with her and its been
so wonderful always having someone to talk to and give her
unconditional love. Maybe this is really what I needed to
fully appreciate what she had to offer for me, and what
she has given me all of this time. I have taken for
granted what has become so essential in my life for so
many reasons. Why must we have so many regrets in life,
do so many things that we wish that we had never even
thought of... Well during this period apart I am
determined to make myself a better person, starting #1
with being physically satisfied with myself, which I am
far from right now. I feel fat, ugly, and that I am some
type of freak. I will not keep thinking that about myself
in such a detrimental matter, I will start exersizing, I
will start to attempt to eat better and healthier, even if
it does cost me more money, the reduction of frivelous
things in my life. I will start to feel better about
myself and put forth a full effort in school, all the
time. I will be a better person, for me, for everyone
around me, and for you Chelsea, because my love for you is
the deepest.