Koralreef

An inconcluded life
Ad 2:
2003-02-05 15:43:28 (UTC)

On your 32nd Birthday

Today you turn 32. It's so weird how the twenties flew
away from our hands. I think it is useless to continue
blaming myself for the shit I did. I know what I did and I
will never take it away from my Karma. Samsara seems far
away after what I have done. And I am paying with tears of
blood and sobs of pain my actions. But there should be no
more regretting.

I have read that regretting and thinking over and over
about the same things is not so healthy for karma. You
must let go and try to improve behaviour. I am trying so
hard. But it is not easy.

To go around in life just wondering what it would have been
like can by no means be called "life". I hurt you and I
hurt you really bad. And it was not only once, it was more
than that. And I will never have enough words to say I am
sorry.

Right now I feel a little more calmed. I spoke to you. I
heard your smile. I just had to wish you a happy birthday.
I really need to know you are there. And you are right.
Women are always confused. But my confusion is not about
my feelings, it's about my whole life. I know I need you
but I don't know if what I am doing is right. I don't have
any certainty that I will be able to be with you at some
point in this life... but then again, isn't this what life
is all about? Isn't life all about uncertainties and
wonders?? I need peace in my life. I need to organize it
and pick up all my pieces once and for all. I just need to
sit and think what to do. I can't be running away the rest
of my life. Your ghost haunts me down every single day in
life and I don't know how much longer I can manage it.

I must have faith. This new year started off with the
right foot. Energies coming all together trying to make
things go right. I must be patient and wait. You waited
enough. If you did, so can I.

Even though you don't appear to be so sure any more, I am
sure that I will always love you. From deep inside my heart
I will never be able to take you away. We belong together
no matter what. If not in this life, it will most
certainly be in the next one.

Forever yours.

Sol


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