An inconcluded life
Ad 2:
2003-02-05 15:43:28 (UTC)

On your 32nd Birthday

Today you turn 32. It's so weird how the twenties flew
away from our hands. I think it is useless to continue
blaming myself for the shit I did. I know what I did and I
will never take it away from my Karma. Samsara seems far
away after what I have done. And I am paying with tears of
blood and sobs of pain my actions. But there should be no
more regretting.

I have read that regretting and thinking over and over
about the same things is not so healthy for karma. You
must let go and try to improve behaviour. I am trying so
hard. But it is not easy.

To go around in life just wondering what it would have been
like can by no means be called "life". I hurt you and I
hurt you really bad. And it was not only once, it was more
than that. And I will never have enough words to say I am

Right now I feel a little more calmed. I spoke to you. I
heard your smile. I just had to wish you a happy birthday.
I really need to know you are there. And you are right.
Women are always confused. But my confusion is not about
my feelings, it's about my whole life. I know I need you
but I don't know if what I am doing is right. I don't have
any certainty that I will be able to be with you at some
point in this life... but then again, isn't this what life
is all about? Isn't life all about uncertainties and
wonders?? I need peace in my life. I need to organize it
and pick up all my pieces once and for all. I just need to
sit and think what to do. I can't be running away the rest
of my life. Your ghost haunts me down every single day in
life and I don't know how much longer I can manage it.

I must have faith. This new year started off with the
right foot. Energies coming all together trying to make
things go right. I must be patient and wait. You waited
enough. If you did, so can I.

Even though you don't appear to be so sure any more, I am
sure that I will always love you. From deep inside my heart
I will never be able to take you away. We belong together
no matter what. If not in this life, it will most
certainly be in the next one.

Forever yours.