All That I Am
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2003-02-05 03:51:12 (UTC)

January 21, 2003

***What you're about to read is my first journal entry
written on January 21, 2003. I just discovered this online
diary today and I decided to rewrite my first journal entry
because....well, it's the first and it'd be waste to start
all over without it.***

January 21, 2003

I've decided to start keeping a journal. I see that it's
suppose to be therapeutic for some people and I need
something like that right now. I've been a mix of emotions
lately. Happy, sad, angry, frustrated...things that
happened to so long ago keep coming back to haunt me. I'm
thinking of Mrs. Harvin right now and when she found my
journal back in 1991, can't remember the month. (*now for
some quick background info, Mrs. Harvin is my two youngest
brothers' grandmother and I had to stay with her for a year
because my mom was stationed in Korea...but I'll elaborate
more on my personal history later, back to the incident*)
Or maybe it was early 1992, one of those years, anyways. I
had called her a bitch in my journal and wrote how she
would talk about my mom. I hid it inbetween these two
mattresses and she found it. I was "sleeping" on the couch
downstairs, well I was suppose to be taking a nap but I was
awake, and I heard her reading my journal to Mr. heart stopped. I was so scared. She came
downstairs and "woke me up" and then started hitting me
with the journal (can't remember if the pages fell out" and
saying, "So, I'm a bitch am I!" I think that memory came
back because I don't totally trust journals. Someone will
find it and read it and know my secrets. But thye're not
really secrets, I don't HAVE to share every part of me with
someone. Or maybe I do. maybe thta's why I'm not happy,
why I don't have a boyfriend...because I don't trust people
enough, afraid they'll hurt me like she did. Anywho, I'm
at work right now. I lost my schedule and had to come in
with mum. This evil, fat Elvira looking woman just walked
into the staff lounge. She had went to the building
manager one day and said I was sleeping in the lounge.
Which I was but I've seen others sleeping in here too.
Whatever, I just don't like the bitch. I hope I get my
income tax return today. I seriously need some money so I
can get out of my mum's house. I lover her more than
anything but I can't live with her. She has a talent for
turning environments and situations hostile. The Bourne
Identity came out on dvd today! I haven't told you but I
am totally infatuated with Matt Damon! Nummie! But I
don't get paid until next week so I'll have to wait,
dammit. Well, my hand is starting to cramp and come to
think of it I do have a scholarship essay that I was going
to "try". Later.

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