2001-02-21 17:06:33 (UTC)

Well I am feeling that I am..

Well I am feeling that I am loosing it again, Inever know
if I am being a total bitch, or if someone has me believing
that everything I do is done bitchy. Quite a few things are
happening in my life and if I don't release it soon, I will
explode...I am starting this on Feb 21/01 but am starting
from two days ago..

On monday he came home from work, and I started telling him
all the shit from the day, I said that my brother called,
his friend called,and that my gmothers computer went down,
and that are heater is not working..I called him at work to
tell him about the heat..he said he would call the
landlords when he got home that was great. When he gets
home, he heads straight for the stairs, without saying a
word half of the time. Maybe a hi bud, and sweetie to the
kids, then he is in the bedroom for the rest of the night,
that has been for about 2 months now. After telling him the
things, I could see he was mad at me, I did not expect him
to do everything right away, but I did expect him to worry
as much as me about the fuse flaming out at me again, but
he said now that he was going to wait until Tuesday, then
he would bring home a meter thing he has there. That was
kewl, he then phoned his friend and he did not want to get
together with Gary that night, due to wanting tospend time
with his wife. Gary then went to bed at about 9:30 that
night. I once again go to bed very hurt, feeling ugly,
frustrated, and I start making things up to see if that is
going on, cuz he never tells me anything.That was the end
of my Monday...the confusion anyways...many wonderful
things happen, I will write those on another entry.

Tuesday morning...I woke up at 4, haven't had a decent
sleep in years...but anyways, I got his clothes ready, and
had started the truck, did the morning things, and started
on pogo, he then comes over and tells me he needs it for 10
mins. he had to put something once again on disc for
work..oh he informed me he leaves money and things at
work.But anyways..he does that and I explainto him without
yelling ( imagine that) the things that are upsetting me,
telling me you love me means told several
woman while married to me that you loved them, then told me
you didn't you have to realize words are nothign
without actions. You use to talk to me, hold me, kiss me,
stroke my hair, do things with me, go out with me, buy
methings once in a while out of the blue. That has all
stopped, and nothing is done at home, he once told me he
works his hours, when he is home, that is his time, not
time to do things with the kids and I , and household
things that need to be done I guess..I feel like a slave at
times. We talked about a few other things, and that was it,
we kissed and off he went, oh I had told him that I was
going to Sue Sue's that night, so I would be home
late...well he showed up an hour late, before he came home,
I received a phone call with a 716 area code, they hung up
and 45 mins. later he was home. Overtime he said..fine..I
told him and yes I freaked out told him and he denied it.
Fine, he was going over to his friends house and I asked if
he would answer the ? before he left, he couldn't , he said
it was a life decision, that right there told me, not to
fall again, I can't have enough love for two, I have to
take that love and show it to my kids again...he had it all
and took advantage of it several times, and I think it is
acting up again. I asked if he remembered the tool from
work he said no and that he had the tool here, I said great
and left it to see if he would do it, and well no , he left
for his friends, came homeand yes we had the most loving
wonderful love making we have had in a long long time..but
sex doesn't help the brain stop what all is going on..that
was Tuesday..
WednesdayI decided I would still still start the truck, and
all that stuff, but I thought I would see if he would help
me with the garbage, he kissed me and walked into the
truck, and I thought yanno what I'm saying it today, then
shut your mouth forever about everything, just type type
type, get it out, trust no one, and life for your kids and
yourself. Also on Tuesday, I asked him where the money was
that he had for my pills, he said at work, tha tis bs..but
I said ok could you please bring home the money so I can
pick it up , I have been waiting for over two or three
months...we'll see how that goes, so much more to say, I'll
come back later...