Reality Check
2001-09-20 21:21:16 (UTC)

A bullet proof heart

sometimes i wish
that i had a bullet proof heart
to stop those harsh words
from tearing me apart

sometimes i wish
i had a bullet proof heart
so when i get hurt
it'll be easier to restart

you know, i used to write poetry. like, every night. i won
a lot of awards, even been published. hell, i got invited to
an award ceremony in washington. i haven't written any
poetry in 5 months. i don't know why. i just haven't felt
like it. all of a sudden that just popped into my head. so i
figured i'd write it down before i forgot it. jimmy told me
he loved me. i didn't say it back. i feel so bad. he sent me
this really cute greeting card that basically says i'm the
only one for him. he keeps whispering beautiful things into
my ear. he's the perfect one for me....and i like him a
lot....but i've jumped into the word "love" too many times,
and it's ended up bad. i just couldn't say it. remember the
last entry i wrote about how fucked up i was on drugs.
instead of telling me he was mad at me, he just said that he
was fine. well, after i got onto the bus he had to go to
drill practice. he punched a locker, and nearly broke his
hand. that's how upset he was. everyone was blaming me, and
i felt so terrible. he told me he was just worried about me.
and that he just had to punch something. i should be
flattered...but i'm scared for him. i do a lot of worse
things than that to make someone worry....and if he can't
take it i don't know what i'm going to do. it's funny, i
keep making people punch things. first randy, he punched a
wall cause i broke up with him and broke 3 of his fingers,
then ryan...he punched a tree cause i broke up with him, now
jimmy, and i haven't even broke up with him. i just asked my
friend michael if i'm cursed to hurt all the people i love,
and he said no. he said i'm just so special everyone cares
so much about me to hurt thereselves for me. is he right?
okay, this is not in my head. every time i get hooked up
with someone...that's when all the guys start asking me out.
adam, a guy who i've liked ever since i saw him, asked to go
out sometime today. nick, who is incredibly gorgeous, asked
for my number. sean and david just admitted they liked me,
and patrick...well....patrick is just an obsessive freak. i
dunno. (i say that a lot) jimmy's 18. eventually he's going
to want more than i can give him right now. i know he'll
never dump me because of that, but i know he'll never be
completely happy. it's like he's so perfect for me...that
it's too perfect. i don't want to dump him though. you know
what i think about? that someone would just come and kidnap
me. take me away from everything, and everyone. i sit at
night thinking, just someone come get me. even if i don't
know you, come get me and take me far away, so that i can
never come back.