chaoticxpression

my simple small world
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2003-02-04 22:01:24 (UTC)

I just realized HOW MUCH I FUCKED MYSELF

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK FUCK.....
this REALLY SUX...
I've been narrowminded in alot of my entries about certain
things in the heat of the moment, being at times irrational
and very cold.
I sound.....very critical toward the ONE person I love...
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
and he isn't the one with the problem, it's me.
he's fine..just the way he is...
I like it that he doesn't call me every 5 minutes, richard
did that and it suffocated me.....and alan has his own life
to deal with, why should he have to deal with mine to?
and if he wants to be in isolation, let him be in
isolation, I can't say I've never done that before...
I feel really really really dumb..
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
why do I always focus on the bad?That's what I do in this
journal...I NEVER focas on the good...(I do that with my
journal at home, but not online)
and if he calls me for drugs, that's fine....I've only
talked to people for drugs before...
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
I feel like breaking something...like throwing the computer
out the window and then smashing it with a medal baseball
bat.
I think I might of just really really fucked myself.
Alan isn't bad at all...if he was, I certainly wouldn't
love him....
Let's just leave it as it times I'm jaded with horomones.
I do have emotion...but the horomones fuck that up alot.
UGHHHHHHHHHHH.....
and the love thing to......
How the fuck could I be so FUCKING dumb?
Now I'm quite sure I just ruined the only thing I had
remotely close to good in my life, no actually the only
thing worth even waking up for...
FUCK
************************************************************
ok, ok ok ok....ok, ok...ok...
*thinks...
reading a journal is a matter of interpretation, and things
can be written in the heat of the moment under an
irrational mind influence, causing things that are written
to be somewhat ment, but not really....
************************************************************
I really fucked myself this time....


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