Micro

My life is peachy.....I swear
2003-02-04 21:58:10 (UTC)

Lonely

yup, okay, well i thought that i was just in extreme happy
mode and that i had my life all together and that i had no
worries in the world right now. but i guess that i was
wrong. i have this feeling of extreme loneliness. its
sucks really really bad too. right now i want to do things
that make me happy, but even that is not cheering me up.
WHY? why am i having these feelings. maybe b/c the past
weekends at youth encounter gave me a false sense of
reality. of sense of euphoria. and now this past weekend
i didn't. i didn't have that high of running around and
being stupid, i didn't have the feelings that people loved
me. to have someone hug me and tell me that i or our group
has changed their life. i live for those moments, and
right now they are non-exisitant. i seriously feel
depressed and i can't. not now. WHY? i ask again to
myself. i have a good life why do i have to go fuck it
up. maybe i need that sense of a male in my life. i
notice i am always happier when i do have a b/f b/c its the
feeling of waking up and knowing that you will see him
today, or talk to him or even just be with him for a short
while. and i don't have that. i mean, yeah its only been
almost 2 months, and i have gone way longer with out a bf
before. but maybe b/c of these weeeknds, to where i had a
lot of guys wanting to be my friend that it jsut made me
realize how much i am lonely. i want to see all my new
friends again and to be able to talk with them. and have a
good time with all of them. but i can't. they all live
far far away. in a distant land. lands that i am forbidden
to go near for i have no car. i miss megan too. i want to
go visit her at murray so bad, but my car won't make it and
my parents don't understand that i still need to see my
friends to keep friendships going, and i know that one is
diminishing. she is my twin, i deserve to go see her. mom
and dad expect her to come up here if she wants to see me
and she has before and i have gone down there before. but
now i want to go. they treat me like a child. granted i
still have that title of "teen" but i am in college. i
know i still live under their roof and i couldn't afford to
be anywhere else. but still. WHY? the other day, i
doubted me being a nurse. jamie has talked a lot about how
she just wants to drop out and i understnad that. and i
realize that if the chance came up for me to be a real
actress, then i would drop out too. and that scares me. i
know that i need to study a lot and give school my all and
it will pay off in the end. but like, my chem 102 class.
HELLO. why do we need that. i have no clue, and it is so
fucking hard. i swear. my professor, he is a good guy,
extremly funny, really, but he can't teach. he is very old
and should be retireing soon but i am not understanding
anything. granted, i have not put the time into it but i
also have anatomy that i am taking and that takes up
everything. this SUCKS. GRRRR. jamie and i were together
and i was happy b/c i was with her. she is my sister and
we tell each other EVERYTHING, and today she pointed out
how we are both really mello. i realize that we are and it
came to me. i had no clue why but it popped out of my
mouth "i'm lonely" and that shocked me. b/c i knew it was
true and i dind't want it to be. i want to be happy again.
so now i have a million thoughts running to my head. grrr.
HELP my heart cries. HELP my body cries. NO says my
mind. AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. i need a punching bag
REALLY REALLY BADLY. i feel like shit. geez, just shoot
me. but not really.

micro




Ad: