2003-02-04 18:07:39 (UTC)

Incoming: Big puppy

Yes, my brother got a 3month old pup. from his co workers
for his birthday this past saturday. She's pretty big now,
and still very young. We have a small apartment and a cat
so we should get rid of her. That's what I thought we would
do all along, but now I'm not too sure. She's gotten her
first complaint yesterday about leaving the carpet dirty
after the walk. That can be taken care of, we can just use
the other way. Today she peed and crapped in dad'd car
though. That's not good. We may have to get rid of her.
Danish doesn't want to give away his gift though. I don't
know how we can make it happen.

It's second semester. I haven't gotten my grades yet, so I
won't make guesses off of what I know I'm getting so far.
Good thing is that I passed Chemistry.

Other then this I'm depressed, or atleast going back to the
habit of constant depression. I need so much. Ever since
that massage course didn't start for me I've felt like
this. I have no money, no job, no plan, and very few good
friends. Everything needs to improve. But it's these damn
circles. I need to break into the circle of having a life,
but unfortunately, because I'm on the outside looking in,
upsets me to the point where I don't even wanna try. So
I've been buzzing through life for about 2 weeks now. Feels
like more.

I'm searching for a way out. Any way. Maybe if I call for a
job somewhere I'll have more time to myself, hence thinking
about the problem less and less until it magically
dissapears. But it won't. Because it is work. I don't need,
or want any more work. The main reason I'm slacking off now
is because I am not allowed to do anything. I'm very
thankful for theater though. It's my temporary escape, my
drug. I love it and await Germany. That will be fun. I just
need some money to spend there. At night clubs and cafe's.

I bet at this point Teresa's advice would be something
referring to god. Jesus that is. I hope she ends up well in
life, with whoevers help she is using. I had a feeling she
will find him. Atleast I was hoping it would happen sooner
or later. She really needed something to believe in. Now,
so do I. But for me, I can never go back to Chrisianity,
for my prairs are never answered, and I don't believe in
church. I have the urge of throwing up every time I go.
Find me a rock where I can meditate, and I will be whole. I
need a relief. A big, big, release. I've been thinking
during English, that maybe there is something out there
that was meant for me. Maybe that m. therapy school was not
that good, maybe it would have given me a mental break
down. I need a release.

It pisses me off so much. More and more people are getting
college acceptance and rejection letters back. I know the
only college I want to go to. I didn't even fill out an
aplication yet. I got started on the essay. I think I
finished too, but it was just too long. I prabobly made it
too long, and still didn't finish.

I started thinking, maybe I should just apply to columbia,
and scholorships, grants, loans. If I would manage to take
care of the cost of college outside of my pocket, I could
come up with descent living conditions outside of the
house, with a roommate, even on a 9 dollar salary. Depends
how much I work. So maybe I should call quizno's, and in
the end try to get transferred somewhere further downtown.
Okay. That's my plan for now. Thanks for listening. Maybe
this will give me some reason for living. For now.


P.S. Kathy is having a b-day party this saturday. I'm gonna
go. Just don't have a gift yet. I really need some fun.
Party is just the thing. Hopefully it won't suck, like
Eric's last one. Her party is going to be, I suspect, a bit
boring, but a party is a party, and when it calls, you
gotta party.