Mims

The life of Mims
2003-02-04 13:52:00 (UTC)

I am just so

Tired. I really am not sure if I can face much more of this.
IB.
Who knew that just two letters could cause so much trouble?
I have utterly changed since coming here as far as my
perspective on work goes these days. Sometimes its so
frightening just to think about it....
I was always such a good girl. Smart girl. Got-my-work-in-
on-time girl. Never late girl. Always attentive girl. Going
to go places girl.
Where did she go?
The only person I can see now is an empty shell of a person
who used to be good at things, utterly defeated by the
pressure and by a challenge too big for her to manage.
The thing that scares me the most is people looking at me
and remarking 'whatever happened to her' or 'she was so
promising, where did it go wrong?'
I bareley recognise myself these days.
Sometimes I think the change is for the better from how it
was before.
I will never forget the time I was sitting down to what was
probably my fifth mock exam of the GCSE period, and
realising my hair was falling out.
In handfulls.
I ran my hand over my head and strands and strands of it
came away into my palms, slithering onto the desk before
me. I had to get my head down and work on the paper, but my
chemistry teacher kept on walking up and down, up and down
past me. He was the least tactful man I have ever met, and
his smirks and giggles made me so embarrassed, that by the
time he commented on it, I was so frustrated and wound up I
wanted to run away from it all and cry.
I must have looked like an old lady.
Pale, skinny, drawn, haggard expression and thinning hair.
That was my GCSE experience.
You could have wrapped my wrists with a ruler and they
probably would have snapped. I couldn't eat, couldn't focus
on anything apart from work...

But it was funny about the hair thing in a way. Perversely,
it showed me how hard I had been working, a badge of my
commitment.....
Still, at 16, it scared me immensely.
But then again, I wonder whether it was worth it. I must
have worked harder on those exams than I ever have in my
life.
And I got the grades.
Would it be worth cutting myself off for the next four
months to do that again? Although I want to make the best
out of the rest of the time I spend here, these grades will
make a difference to me for the rest of my life.
Sacrifice for months for a lifetime?
I'll get back to myself on this one.

Love Mims




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