hello kitty cat
2003-02-04 07:18:42 (UTC)

and in my mind I'M everyone

I'm sitting here at Joselin's...thinking about Mike. I
need to get this all out....
I'm wondering if I'm completely fooling myself and this is
all just a pile of shit...if it's worth worrying over. I
love him. I really love him. I can't even say it to his
face, because I'm so afraid of what will happen. It was
fine over the phone...and tell me that is not the silliest
thing you've ever heard. I'm so afraid of rejection. I
don't know what's going on wiht him. Joselin said she
hasn't ever seen me like this, not even with Jason...she's
like "kelly I've never seen you so in love.." etc etc....
But---one second I know that he loves me...and that we
will work..and the next...I doubt everything...I feel
almost like he's hiding things from me and that he's
afraid to tell me and "hurt my feelings". Like there is
much more than I know about. I had this dream the other
night where he walked up to me and told me he was still in
love with his wife, and he was seeing her again, and he's
sorry if he led me on. So that's running through my mind,
thanks to all my insecurities. I know it's just a
dream...but I still think about it sometimes. It's hot or
cold...I just don't know what he is feeling, and he hasn't
really told me what's up. Maybe the idea of losing him
scares me enough to just expect the worst. It' comes down
to me being afraid. I didn't want to have these feelings
again. I didn't want to feel so strongly for someone, let
alone more than anyone else I've ever known. I know that
if this doesn't work out it's for the best in the end.
It's just there here and now that is effecting me...
I do however finally see where I'M going to live tomorrow.
So that will be nice. and I probably am going to get this
job through Joselin's sister in law. I'm just waiting to
feel safe I guess. I'm tired of complaining for now. I
still feel sick. bleh.