Deanna

Complete Darkness
2003-02-04 04:00:01 (UTC)

I have no energy

Man today has sucked. i thought it would be okay since i
didnt have to go to school. id get to lay around and eat
and just enjoy a day off. hell no. nothing is that perfect.
i sat around yes. but the tv sucks. no one was online
except my sister and greg at times. and jessica was on for
a little bit. i havent talk to her in forever. i miss her.
she used to be my best friend. but we faded away. yea and
everytime i would try to eat something id start to feel
sick. i finally ate when my mom made spaghetti but i didnt
eat much. all i did since i last wrote today was sit
online. like the poor helpless soul i am. i was talking to
greg again and then rob got on. i imed him and he didnt say
much. i was glad he would atleast talk to me even though it
was one word answers. i got myself all worked up and just
broke down again. tears streaming down my face. i think its
the hardest ive ever cried. then rob told me some stuff
that upset me even more. i was crying so hard i couldnt
type so i just sat there, comments running through my head.
rachel was trying to comfort me along w/ seth and greg. but
i felt rachel wasnt on my side. but now that i think about
it. everything she said made so much sense. im so glad i
have her around to keep me together. she kept saying she
understood what was going on but i kept saying she didnt.
but she does. she probably knows more than anyone. shes
like my therapist. shes so "insightful" and yes i know what
that means now. she made me feel better. she told me to
stop feeling sorry for myself. and it hurt me for her to
say that. but its true. im going through this but rob is
the one who is having the worst part of it. i wonder if hes
hurting as much as me. i think he hates me. and that hurts.
losing your best friend hurts a lot. i just hope everything
works out for the best. i must be sicker than i thought
because my mom told me i could stay home tomorrow and im
not going too. can u believe it! i can stay home, and sleep
in, and im going to school. i dont need anymore work and
plus i have a test in history that i dont think im going to
do good on. and ..i miss my friends. i was only gone for a
day but i miss them. even the ones who dont miss me back.
since im going to school tomorrow i should go take a shower
and try to make myself half decent. so i dont look like
complete shit. even though thats the way i feel right now.
goodnight to everyone and i hope you guys have a better day
then i have had.




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