Alisha's Journal
Ad 2:
2003-02-04 03:59:01 (UTC)


I'm not me.

Let me let you know something, its personal to me, but i've
gotta say it.

I had a friend once, to protect her, i'll say her name is
Tanya. For awile, she wasn't my best friend but she weezled
her way into my life, as my best friend. We did alot of
things together, we became really close, and i completely
trusted her with everything. I didn't think she'd ditch me,
i didn't think she'd lie, i didn't think that she would
hurt me, i was completely oblivious. Meanwhile, i had
another friend, and again for her sake, her "name" will be
sam. Sam was my best friend since first grade....we had the
past, but we didn't really have a bond like tanya and, eventually me and sam became distant with each
other, and tanya and i became alot closer. A time came when
tanya decided her needs weren't getting any attention and
that her problems alone needed to be faced either
completely by me, or without me. So...she decided to say a
bunch of stuff to me but behind my back, she'd be hanging
with other people just to get away from me and just to
complete her needs. SHe really hurt me. I haven't given you
anything that she did that really hurt me. I'm not gay, nor
do i love her like that, but i loved her like a sister and
she was my best friend. For months i had just placed it
aside, but deep down i was hurting, i still am hurting. But
to get to my i had a breakdown. Not outloud,
but inside my body was breaking down. to start my day, sam
basically told me i was ugly, then i went to school and i
had failed my math exam....miserably, i realized that i was
completely alone and had no real friends, i went to work
and got my schedule and im only working one day, i felt
like i didn't fit in my work again, one guy picked on me
about something and it just hit my trigger. I walked
away....but i walked away without that little part of me
that was left. I've always been the one who was fun to be
around, im not trying to sound selfish or anything, but
thats what i've come to know, that im the fun one. I used
to make people comfortable and happy at the same time, i
used to never really care about myself, because i was
happy. Now...i feel like im trying to make people see me
that way and they hate me, thats what it feels like. It
feels like im completely alone on everything i have to
choose and whenever someone says something, i really feel
like crying. I used to never want to cry. I used to fake,...i just want to cry. People arent supposed to
be like this. Life isn't supposed to be like this. People
are supposed to be happy no matter what...i know they
aren't, but thats what is should be. Thats what it used to
be. Things were simple, no, school demands, no work
demands, no money demands, to teacher demands, no parent
demands, no friends demands, no SELF demands...its was
simple. It was happy. it was great. I just wan't someone i
can lean on, someone who i can trust again, someone who can
stop the strange dreams and someone who will eventually,
love me for me. I know i'm ugly...i've been told, and i
have my own two eyes. That's why i want someone to love me
for me, notthat i wouldn't want them to do that if i were
pretty....but still. I dunno. I'm just...not going to make
it. I'm scared. I just want someone to be there. I just
want people to be honest. I want a guy to a
perfect guy and come and hug me, without me saying ordoing
anything, just come and hug me and tell me that he's there
and that everything will be okay. Something to that
effect....i just want that to happen. Not that it will.
That's my dream. Those are my thoughts. This is my life.

If anyone i know reads this....sorry.