eidolon

karma ...

... i am horrible .... i am ...

... i hurt him ... i did what i've tried so hard not to
do ... what i thought and thought and thought about over
and over ... trying to find a solution .. trying to find a
way to ... to talk to him ... to tell him .. to get through
to him without crushing him ....

... and i failed .... i DID crush him ... i have hurt him
so badly ... probably scarred him ... and i hate it ... i
hate myself for it .... i hate that it happened this
way ... and i'm sorry ... so sorry .... and i hate that i
couldn't love him in the way that he wanted me to .... in
the way that he loved me ...

... and i feel selfish ... and horrible ... because i
am ... because i wanted him in my life .. but not in the
way that he watned to be ... because i love him .. but not
in the way that he wants me to ... because i hurt him so
deeply and there had to have been some way to avoid it ...
there had to have been SOME WAY .... but i couldn't find
it ...

... he is so wonderful .... he loves me so much . .. if
only i could have loved him the way that he wanted .... he
doesn't want me any other way ... he won't accept me as a
part of his life in any other way ... and .... i
understand ... just as i understand if he hates me ....

.... just as i'll understand if he hates me .... cuz he
will ....

... and my karma ...

.. i will pay ..