once again
2001-09-20 06:09:40 (UTC)

who I am

"I'd give up forever to touch you cause I know that you
feel me somehow. You're the closest to heaven that I've
ever been and I don't want to lose you right now. When
everything feels like the movies, you'd bleed just to know
you're alive. And I don't want the world to see me, cause
I don't think that they'd understand."
I miss Shawn and I'm going to let him know that our
conversations just aren't feeling the same, like he's
hiding something from me. I dont feel as close to him as I
usually do. He seems weird. I could only talk to him for
a few minutes today, I had to help out at school and when I
thought I'd be able to talk again, I had to clean the mess
I made of my car by leaving my window down and it pouring
for 14 hours straight. I talked to Roy tonight and he saw
someone I knew and they told him that I was talking to
Shawn again, but I din't tell him what we talk about. I
don't want everyone knowing yet because I still feel like I
have raised expectations, and I don't want to look like a
fool again. Besides, Shawn needs to prove himself to my
family, not me. I feel like I am running in circles in my
head. Every night it's the same crap I think about and I
want it to go away. I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of the
doubt andI know I have to be patient, but that was not one
of my virtues. I have to learn it, I don't know how. I'm
really considering why I should go back to school, nothind
else to do...? Yesterday I had my month review at work.
My manager said I'm doing awesome, to raise my liquor sales
and I can getinto the lounge. She said I'll have another
review in 6 months and she'd like to make me a trainer.
I'd do openings and make great money. That's something I'd
like to do. Especially since I have no idea what I like to
goto school for, and I really don't have the will power to
do so. I talk about it but I never do it. I can work
myself up to a manager postition probably in a few years
and that's for free. Plus they make good money. I'm lost,
I don't know what, when or how to do anything with my
life. Things made sense when I was with Shawn. Yeah, then
I wanted to goto school because waitressing there offers
you nothing, here you can advance. I like doing what I
do. I hated where I lived but 90% of the time it didn't
matter because I was with Shawn. Now I have no clue what
anyhthing means. I want my life back, where I knew how to
make decisions and when I knew how to make myself into
someone great. I visited Christine at UIC tonight and
everyone was like "oh, you're not in school...?" Like it's
a bad thing. People look down on me because I'm not but
I'm doing great. Paying things off...when I don't go on
shopping sprees. I just wish it was like when you're 10
and the parents tell you how to do it and you don't make
these decisions. But then again, that was 11 years ago.