Deception's Disciple

Book of Lies
2003-02-04 00:57:48 (UTC)

Emotional Rollercoaster

What do I have to say ....
God only knows
I took some time out to read some of your entries.... and
needless to say, I feel that you kids out there have not a
care in the world. Your parents love you, and you all seem
so... well... carefree... it totally disgusts me, because I
don't get life that easy. My parents don't get along, I
never get the man of my dreams, my friends are so very self
absorbed that they can't tell how depressed I am, and even
if anything I ever did or said effected anyone in my life,
they still wouldn't give 4 flying FUCKS about it.

The other day I went to my ex's b-day party. It was
interesting and digusting at the sametime. I saw
him "shaking his money maker" on every girl that looked his
way. And normally I would have thought that I was over him
and that I wouldn't care but the bitch has been fucking me
and flirting with me, and asked me to be his girlfriend
again. I said no, because I didn't know what i want,
becuase I believed it was WAY too early for him and me to
get back together... and I guess that I was right. I dodn't
know how I'm supposed to feel... HAPPY because I made the
right decision, or SAD that I wasn't what he seriously
wanted.

I'm gaining serious weight again. I haven't exercised in
WEEKS. I don't know where my motivation is... maybe I just
don't have any, and I know it now. Before my motivation was
Chris, but now??? I know he's staying with his girl. I HAVE
NO CHANCE. And I realize it, but it doesn't make me accept
it any faster or take it any lighter. It makes me sad, and
heart broken because he is all I have EVER wanted. But, I
am turning a year older, and a year wiser; meaning that I
have to snap into reality. Meaning I have to let go of th4e
past. Meaning I have to let go of some friends. I have come
to the conclusion that no one has remembered my birhtday.
As if I actually expect people to. I would rather lie to
them and have them not know that tell them the date and
have them forget. At least then they have an excuse. I can
count one hand who remembers... my bro/parent..."renni",
richard, postman pat, jane maybe amy and fitz. You think
that's alot huh...? well if you knew the amount of people I
speak with you would realize that the othe 4/5th are
supposed to be my "good friends".
What a fucking JOKE that is.
I am SO tired of feeling alone. I am so tired of feeling
like no one cares, and I am so tired of complaining about
it. I hate having to go to Magic spells to get friends and
find lovers. I shouldn't have to. But I'm not going to try.
I'm not going to beg any more. I'm not going to fight for a
lost cause. I'm not going to fight for friend who so DON'T
want to be there. They are going to have to fight for me
now. They are going to have to plead for me. as if that
would EVER happen.*my eyes are currently filling with
tears* I'm so sad and so sick with everyone and everything
that I think I'm going to throw up.

*** "Thanks everyone." she says with a smile on her face,
and a fresh tear of sorrow rolling down her cheek...***

......"Happy Birthday to me"....




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