kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2003-02-04 00:42:38 (UTC)

I don't know if I should feel good or bad

Things are changing around me. I talked to Dave a few
times this weekend. I am very happy for him. He's in
love and things are going great for him. I am really
excited that things are going well for him.

I have been happy all day. I talked with Dave for a while
last night. He was reading up on the Mormon religion
since his girl is Mormon. Good thing she's not majorly
into religion. He said he was finding a number of things
he didn't agree with as he was reading. I hope that
doesn't hurt things for his relationship. He said her
parents love him so that's a good thing.

His Mother will have to come around and accept his girl.
I don't think he's going to give her up just to please his
Mother. She'll just have to understand that he has found
a great girl even if she is Mormon.

He told me he is considering I think getting engaged in
6months to a year. I wasn't clear if he said that or
marriage then. Either way I'm hoping he isn't jumping the
gun. They have been dating about a week. Known eachother
and hung out for a while before that, but still. I hope
he's not getting in over his head with all this. Falling
in love too quickly.

I guess I just can't see it since that's never happened to
me. It took me a while to figure out I love John. I love
him deeply and will most likely marry him some day.

Anyway. I'm really happy for my buddy, but at the same
time I am sad knowing that it will mean we talk less. We
have talked a couple times today which I was quite
surprised and happy about. I love talking to him.

Last night I was in a good mood and then he got online and
we started talking. I didn't want him to run off on me so
I started talking about my Great Aunt and the problems I
am having making this video for computer art. I am doing
ok, but I get to a point when thinking about her that I
shut down. I block the memories out when they get too

He talked to me for a while about it. I used it as a
reason for him to stay and chat because I had nothing else
to talk about and I was feeling neglected. I feel bad for
making up a reason to talk to him rather than simply
having one. I miss talking to him while he's away. He is
home this week so looks like we will talk now and then.

I hate to admit this, but I had a sort of fantasy once
that we would always talk and be close like we used to be.
Like even years from now we would still stay up and chat
about anything and everything under the sun. I know that
won't ever happen. It's just something I daydreamed about
once. It must have been after one of our nights of sex
talk. I know it was a long time ago.

I had to feel out the waters the other night. I told him
I was bored and he said I should run around naked. I had
to invite him over to watch...i wanted to see what his
reaction would be. As expected he said he figured his
girlfriend wouldn't go for that. I added that John
wouldn't like it. I just wanted to know if things had
changed in that respect and they have.

I am going to miss having late night sex chats with him.
Not like they did either of us any good. They were
leading us down the wrong path, but damn they were fun.

I did find out one very good thing last night. I said I
was doing better because I have not wanted to harm myself
in months. He said if I did he would kick my ass. I was
so happy to hear that. He used to say things like that
and it has been a while. I DO NOT plan to do anything to
harm myself.

I used to think about shit like that quite often. When he
said he'd kick my ass it reminded me of a year ago when he
said that too me after my Art History midterm that I
bombed. I had mentioned going and drinking and going for
a drive, not in that order though. He assumed I meant I
wanted to drive after drinking. Even in my extremely
depressed state I knew that wasn't a good thing. I still
had some sense in me.

Maybe he has talked to me today because I sent him an e-
mail last night. Just as I was about to head to be my
internet connection died at school. I wanted to thank him
for taking time to listen to me. So when the internet
came back minutes later and he wasn't online I sent him an

Pierre asked me if this entry was a happier one than my
past few. I would like to think it is. I don't know if
it honestly is or not. I am very happy for Dave. I guess
I'm just jealous that his life is going so well and I had
nothing to do with it.

When I was walking to class I was thinking about how I
like having close friends and he is one of them. Well,
some days he is. I've told him so much. There are things
I've told him that John doesn't know. I don't want to
lose such a good friend. He keeps secrets for me and I do
the same for him.

If he ever read this diary he would kick my ass for the
stuff I've let slip. I'm not naming any names when he has
me keep a secret though. This time I didn't wait long to
let the cat out of the bag that he's in love.

I figured I could say something now that Cal knows. He
told her last night. He did make me promise again last
night not to say anything. I guess that means any new
info I get is private info. It's hard not telling Cal.

I almost let the beans spill yesterday. I let it slip
he'd been excited about finding scratch marks on his
back. (I'm assuming from sex) She was then asking me if
he got a pet like a dog or something. I laughed and kept
saying I wasn't at liberty to tell her. She's wonderful
though and didn't press me on the issue. She knows when
not to ask.