daydream disbeliever

Twelve O'clock and All is not Well

...at casa de moi, anyway. Today was spent with my
mother. My mother, who I am terrified to think that she
may not be with me much longer. We went shopping today,
and this evening we went to the hospital for her
ultrasound. She wants to make sure that she does indeed
not have breast cancer. It runs in my family, and all
three of my aunts have it. One is a survivor; she nearly
died. Another had a lumpectomy three days ago, and another
just had her ultrasound done last week and a lump was
found. My mother had her mammogram a while ago, and
nothing was wrong, but two of her sisters only discovered
theirs when they had the ultrasound.

I sat in the chair in the cold dark room, praying.
The technician kept concentrating in certain areas, my
mother said. She couldn't make out anything on the screen,
but that means nothing. I wasn't watching anything; my
face was in my hands. I'm so afraid. It's terrifying to
have to face the possibility of someone that you always
thought would be there dying. Mom said she isn't so much
afraid for herself as she was worried about what she would
put the rest of her family through. Gram went through
enough scares with Susie. Now Anne and Patti have it; if
Mama got it, too...

Lord, I seem like a five-year-old. I need to get a
grip. There might be nothing. But I also cannot live in
my little security blanket of denial. One must face facts
in these matters. And I hope I can be prepared for any
news. Right now, however, I am not.

I'm not going to wax intellectual about the events of
last week. It was terrible; I cried and am still horribly
outraged at the cowardly, gutless gall of those terrorist
bastards. I don't know what will be done about this. If
in fact the government does eventually get bin Laden, there
are so many more just itching to take his place. I think
there will be war, though.

Writing of war, my dad (we had a normal conversation
today--argument and yelling free, albeit some lecturing on
his part) said yet again that he thinks it's a great idea
that I join the service, preferably the Army or the Air
Force. I've been thinking about this for months,
especially since I am no longer attending uni. I'm so
afraid, though. That's my problem in life--I'm too damn
afraid to do anything. That selfish subject, however, will
have to wait for another entry. I'm not feeling too "me-
ish" right now. All I can think of is my mom. Until next
time, I remain sporadically yours,

K.