Wading in insomnia
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2001-09-20 04:07:38 (UTC)

Sept 19 2001 Night

Wednesday, September 19, 2001

11:33 PM

This persistent cough won’t seem to leave me be. It seems
like forever I’ve been sick. It seemed as though today I
was feeling much better but I’ve gone back to hacking like
a chronic smoker. Today was a wholly forgettable day.
Unfortunately I most likely won’t be forgetting it for a
while. I actually was up and ready quite early today which
is in itself impressive. Unfortunately it was raining this
morning, it wasn’t the nice kind of rain I love to walk in,
it was more of a cold depressing rain, the kind of rain
that seems like a cold hand smacking you down to the
ground. I ended up early to class which seemed like a good
thing because the beautiful girl was there alone. God how
the thought of her would make me smile. Anyways, we
actually ended up chatting for a few minutes, which would
make it the second actual conversation we’ve had. Things
were looking up it seems, and if one did not know the funny
games fate likes to play with my life you might agree.
Class wasn’t fun, I was having a hard time breathing from
the cold, and on top of that I was nervous because we had
to critic someone else’s photos. I wasn’t to sure what to
say so I ended up talking out of my ass, I didn’t get
mocked so I guess my ass knows what it’s talking about. The
beautiful girl actually ended up being the person to talk
about my photos; she picked probably my best one and seems
to like it a lot for the most part, so that was a good
thing. Lunch was so so at best, I don’t even remember what
it was anyway, but I was alone as usual. We got out of
photo an hour early so I had time to kill so I started up
my reading that was due for the next class, it was then I
remembered a paper was due that day. So of course I didn’t
do that since I remembered one was dropped. At noonish I
headed back to the art building for the new grad reception,
it was ok, there was free food and I love free food. Emily
was there, we chatted for a while until she found someone
more interesting to talk with and then I was alone again.
The beautiful girl was there again as well, I think I
smiled at her after something she said to me, nothing more
happened. I ended up leaving and read pretty much until my
class. It went well and we got out early so that was fun, I
sat next to the cute girl in that class, so that was nice.
After dinner alone and the The Simpsons, I went to the
photo lab to make my prints, which is odd, cause they
aren’t due until Monday, usually I wouldn’t be in there
until Sunday night at best. Anywho, I started up to work
when the beautiful girl showed up, she was next to me but
was used to my machine and me being the pathetic nice guy I
am, I switched. We didn’t talk at all after that. The
prints came out well I think, but I’m not sure what
qualifies as well. Things seemed fine until that one moment
that just creeps up on you like a cracked out hooker
looking for a fix and knocks your life down from bad to
shit. I was out looking at a recent print while across from
me some girl from my class and the beautiful girl looked
over her contact sheets. Then the beautiful girl ruined my
week with three simple words, just words, nothing more then
mixed up letters, nothing more then these pieces of shit
keystrokes I type here, fucking words tore my life
apart, “that’s my boyfriend” those three words ripped the
hope right out of my life like a spine being pulled out
through the mouth. I mean before those words, I had her and
this little dream in my head, she made me happy and smile
when I saw her and often when I thought of her, it was
love. No not love love, the love we all look for but just
love, but it was one of the best kinds of love, that love
you feel when you barely know a person. Its one of the best
cause all you know is usually good, how they look, act,
smile, their eyes, their laugh, etc. and everything you
don’t know, you make up, and since you make it up, its
always good too. So you have this dream world, and I’d see
her and it’d make me happy, and I’d sit at home and pine
over her like some kinda love sick school boy, but I was ok
with that cause I’d smile when I saw her. And there was
always that hope, that one day, when I get the nerve up
maybe she’d go out with me, maybe we’d hit it off, hell
maybe she’d ask me out. That hope is was makes that dream
world worth dealing with. Only two things can end that
hope. You actually asking and her saying no, or the “I have
a boyfriend” sentence. Now I have to sit and pine and
yearn and want, without the hope. Its like masturbating
while being impotent, its just fucking useless. So, hearing
those words was a verbal kick to my balls and there’s
nothing nice about that. Now I live in a word without hope,
which is like living in a world void of all color, until a
new hope walks my way and changes all that. G’nite.