Japalac

Wading in insomnia
2001-09-20 04:06:25 (UTC)

Sept. 9 2001

Sunday, September 9, 2001 11:56PM

I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here really. A day
maybe two, it feels like years. Sitting here is all I seem
to do. So that’s why I’m writing this. To record my
thoughts I guess. I figure if I actually write things down,
maybe I can find myself, find an answer to why I hate my
life and myself, an answer to why I almost always feel like
shit. It’s probably pointless I know, but it’ll give me
something to do for a while. The weekend is over. Per
usual I did nothing. Friday started by me awaking to the
thumping bass of my next door neighbor, so that wasn’t all
that great a way to start the day. My friend didn’t call
like had been planned so my plans fell through. I ended up
taking a long walk to take care of my whole parking pass
thing. In doing so I passed by the girl I’m in love with.
Seeing her makes me both happy and sad all at once. Warm
and fuzzy and depressed and tortured. She waved and said
hi. I said hi back and walked on. Sigh. So goes my life. I
don’t think I’ve said more then two sentences to her at one
time. I doubt she even knows my name. I really don’t know
anything about her, cept her name and major. Yet since the
first time I saw her I was in love. Funny how things like
that happen. In someways I think love like that is the best
kind of love. Everything you know is good. There’s no bad
habits or things to piss you off. You find someone and you
fall in love. In your mind you make them out to be, not so
much perfect, but perfect for you, and that’s all that
matters. I usually lay awake in bed at night wishing I had
the balls to talk to her, and maybe even ask her out
sometime. I doubt it will happen. And if it does, knowing
me it’ll be months from now and at the worse possible time
and I’ll end up looking the fool for yet one more time in
my fool ridden life. My life seems riddled with verbal
kicks to my nuts. So it goes I guess. There are times I
just feel like sitting and crying. I really don’t know why
and I wish it would stop. Its getting late and I have an
early class tomorrow, well early for me. I should sleep but
I’m afraid of my dreams. Dreams of things I cant have like
love and happiness. Instead I sit here with thoughts of
love and happiness. I coulda went out this weekend. My
neighbor guy introduced himself, along with a guy down the
hall, they seem alright. They asked me along to a party but
I said some other time. Mostly because I hate feeling
awkward and I know a room filled with people I don’t know
will make me feel that. Also, nothing makes me feel more
alone then a large crowd of strangers. I often wish I had
someone to hug me late at night like this. Who knows maybe
one day I will. Sometimes I just get up and stare at myself
in the mirror. I don’t really know what I hope to see but
its somehow calming. I have a lot of things to do tomorrow.
Photo’s at 10 something the girl will be there. I’ll
probably say hi, nothing more. I’ll end up hating myself
the rest of the day. After that I need to start on my photo
assignment but I need to make a run to meijer first for
some lens cleaner. After that I have my boring ass IAH
class. That will last forever and when I finally get out of
there I need to finish up the photo assignment and then
head to the photo open lab and develop the film for weds.
An exciting day? Doubtful. I’m not sure how much sleep will
be gotten tonight. I’m still downloading a game so I’ll
probably end up playing around with that. On top of that
I’m downloading a few cds so you know I’ll be checking
those out. I’ve been listening to a jimmy eat world song
over and over this entire time. “table for glasses” is the
track. My hunger is acting up again. I might have to grab
something to eat soon. I’m tired of babbling for now.




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