Me Venting Out
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2001-09-20 03:58:37 (UTC)

September 19th @ 11:26PM

Alright, what is going on with me? I have always been the
girl afraid of commitment, the girl who is going after the
guys that really have no long term thing, someone that I
find hot or someone that is just a fling or even a friend
with benefits. What changed this time? I don't know what
changed but something definantly did. I have never felt
things that I am feeling now and maybe they've been there
ever since my mom and friends told me they were and I just
didn't want to admit them. And I guess that people are
right when they say they aren't going to be there forever,
I guess I was just too late. I guess I was too late to
cross the track to his side, I guess I was too late in
being a gambler and I am sorry for that because now I am
the only one left feeling the way that I am. I have always
told myself that I will be okay, I always am well this time
I'm not. I have been involved number of guys that I was
left crying, and for what reason I no longer remeber. This
guy is different, I don't know what it is but it's not just
because he's hot or because he likes me or because he can
dress, or seem perfect at everything he does but because he
is where my heart is. For some reason or another I am not
able to accept the fact that he is just another one of my
guys that come and go. If nothing more then what he has
taught me has came out of this then thats enough for me. I
will be okay, and he will too. Even if it means that I am
unable to be strong enough to see him with his girlfriend
or see him doing one of his squint smiles, but eventually
with time, I'll be okay. If he is happy with what he has
then how can I not be a good friend and be happy for him?
That's what we've been all along right, friends? Well I
guess this was my first true experience with a broken heart
because I know that my heart was always behind everything
between us, whether it be me running away from my heart, or
making him special things or even the flirty things, and
the inside things...it all came from my heart even the
arguments caused by jealousy or whatever it was. But I
guess it doesn't matter anymore. It's just not my time to
smile at someone everytime I look at them, and be able to
maintain eye contact eventhough that's never been my
thing...who knows what happens from here but I know that
school is going great, I know there are always people to
talk to and that I will be okay and this situation has
definantly made me grow. I'm not saying that I'll ever be a
gambler anytime soon again but hey at least I can say I
tried! "what is meant to be will be" .... theres always a
reason to smile, right? *Jamie