Black_lace_hidden_scars

Cut me out
2003-02-03 22:07:56 (UTC)

Broken

I was 10 days SI free, and I didn't want to mess it up- I
really really didn't, but my stupid temper got the best of
me and I ended up whacking my head against my shelves so
hard while floods of tears ran down my face. I don't
usually SI in that way. It wasn't planned, just me being
stupid and angry- and now my 10 days is down to 0.

So I went to the toilet- suddenly found myself making
myself throw up again... I haven't done that for 5 months-
5 WHOLE MONTHS! That's nearly 6 months- 1/2 a year- I
messed up 5 months of ED-ness free-ness.

Today I went to the doctors. My mum came to talk to teh
doctor after I had been to see her. I told the doctor to
not mention SI or eating issues- though I couldn't bring
myself to actually say the word 'c-u-t-t-i-n-g'. She had to
say it, I just sat there in silence when she asked me what
she couldn't mention to her.

I guess my Mum and I are getting on a bit better. My dad
and I aren't getting on too well at the moment- he shouts
at me all the time. My mum says it's how he deals with
things he finds hard, and that my OD took a lot out of
him .

I'm on the waiting list for the counscillor that I got
referred to by the Casualty department from when I ODed and
one taht my doctor has referred me to. She's trying to get
me seenas soon as possible. I'm scared. How can I talk to a
counscillor if I can't even mention teh word explaining
what I don't want the doctor to mention to my Mum-
especially when she (the doctor) already knows I do it too.




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