Trixie Dust

Trixies in the Wind
2001-09-20 01:55:47 (UTC)

yeah, this is me....

Ramblin again.

I love my church. It has this charismatic way of making me
feel like everything is going to be alright, even if it
isnt, which wouldn’t surprise me. :-P

I found something I wrote in this little book of mine not
too long ago. Im sure I planned to post it here, but I
just kinda forgot. Ive done that a lot. Like, today, I
got yelled at by 1st sergeant because I forgot to make a
flag detail list. Oops.

All I can feel is this hurt, this pain, this torment,
nullifying everything I’ve felt before. I feel like ive
been lied to and in those lies compromised who I am. I
feel like no one is listening. I know people care about
me, about Tricia, but not what Tricia feels, not what
Tricia thinks. Maybe im just being selfish. I feel like a
third wheel in my own life. Ive never really been accepted
into society. I’ve always been on the outside of it. I
guess I just have different beliefs than everyone. That
makes me feel alone. No one seems to take Christianity
like I do. Its not just a title to me, its not just a
belief, it’s a way of life. A lot of times I stray from
that way of life, and I get lost. Christianity is one of
the few and only things im sure about in my life. Im
Tricia, im a nice person if you give me a chance, too nice
almost, I have the most wonderful boyfriend ever that I
don’t deserve, and I love my Lord God in heaven. Thing is,
I have and attitude most the time and I cover up my
niceness, ive cheated on my boyfriend and still look at
other guys even though im not interested in them, and I
hardly read the bible with my heard anymore. At church, im
like a sponge. No one can turn my head, nothing keeps me
from learning the word. Im a totally different person. At
church, I live with my heart. My heart ad ears belong to
God I give my all to Him. No one gibes me a chance to
show them God, I must be to chicken. I know I am doing
something right because I had to change one of erins cds
because of the cussing, but I have a RBF and Bosstones cds
in my backpack im borrowing from a friend, and they both
have warning labels. I dont know who I am anymore.

I dont think being Christian makes me an outsider, it
doesn’t. I know that theres a place I fit in. I know Im
hypocritical a lot…but I dotn know who I am. And I havent
talked to matt, like, really talked to him, in like a
week and I miss him SO much and I feel like its all my
fault that im not and everything is going on. I wrote a
poem too, on Sept. 10. Wanna see it? Oh well, you are.


Inside I feel empty
Lacking what I need to be whole
I used to be so sure of myself
Now I just don’t know

Incompetence surrounds me
Burrowing in my soul
Adding to my confusion
Im losing my sense of control

Numbness in my heart
Ive built up walls around me
Tearing them down hurts so badly
I don’t know what my heart is commanding

Ive buried away all my feelings
Denied myself the truth
Now that I have none to rely on
I don’t know what to do

Emptiness surrounds me
Confusion in my soul
Despite the pain I know will come
I need to regain control

Like, on the radio, they played a blink song. Oh, what was
the title.. oh yeah. I think it was stay together for the
kids. And it was like, “if this is what he wants and this
is what she wants then why is there so much pain?” HUH?!
Why?? … Im just curious. * innocent smile *

Oh well. Life sucks then ya die.

Ooh. dad emailed me. Do i dare read it...?