Euphoric Nothingness
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2003-02-03 08:50:12 (UTC)

Dissipating Anxiety

Ahhhhh.....3AM.....I just got from 10 and a half hours of
work. Well it was Sunday so it was an easy night (and I
finished my Nonparametrics homework during my break :) ).
It was a good night. Nothing really special happened. No
exciting moments or thrilling experiences.

So anyways this is a big school week for me. I have an
essay due on Friday for American History II, a Radio/TV
quiz on Friday, a Canadian History Test at 10AM Friday
followed by a Nonparametics Test at 11. I think that if I
do good on my tests on Friday, my confidence will improve
greatly and I should be OK for the rest of the semester. I
ned to focus and get in my head how crucial this week
really is.

Have you ever listened to a song and it just stuck with you
for a while. That is happening with The Smashing
Pumpkins "Perfect". It's a great song and the video is
incredible. I don't know if this has some significant
meaning or is a sign of things to come or whatever. It's
like it has some deeper meaning and something is about to

It has been a while since I have had a major event
completely shake me. The last one that I had was on May 3,
2001 just before 11 in the morning. I was sitting in my
Visions II Honors class (History basically). The girl I
had asked to my senior prom (she was in that class) had
given me a typed note and said that she was going with
someone else 2 days before prom. Oh my. It was madness.
And it was right before a test (which I got an A on of
course). But still, I had gotten screwed out of my senior
prom (I didn't go because I was a wreck and that is not a
good thing) and I had done nothing wrong. But the worst
thing was that she lied to her friends amd family about it
and flaunted the guy right in front of me. I was sick to
my stomach. It completely ruined the last 3 weeks of my
senior year. You're not supposed to forget your senior
prom, and I think I will always remember mine but for the
wrong reasons.

Well anyways, I think I am due for a major shakeup. It may
be a good thing for me. Getting screwed out of my senior
prom taught me about the viciousness and selfishness that
females can have. Of course, it would be nice to have a
female that I could call mine. But you know, when I am
destined to find her, I hope I can recognize the time and
be able to take advantage of it. Bu anyways, I think a
major event or change may be coming.

Have you ever had a dream that seemed very realistic but
you can't remember it too well and then it happens. And
then you say "Wow I think I had a dream about that a while
back". And when I mean a while back, I means months or
even years. That happens to me quite a bit. It's like I
really have psychic powers or something. It's freaky

After this weekend, I don't feel as overwhelmed as a had on
Friday. I think that my Stat III test had a lot to do with
it. I mean, for the first time in a long time, I almost
paniced and doubted myself. However, as the weekend went
on, I began to feel better about the test and I am feeling
less stressed. I mean I got a lot done. I read my
American History II essay, read like 60 pages in the
Canadain government book I am writing a paper on, and
finished an exhausting Nonparametrics assignment. I am
feeling better but I think I will feel much better when I
find out the score of my Stat III test. As long as I got a
75 or higher, I will be just fine. I won't be satisfied by
any means, I just will be content and move on. I need a
strong motivator. I have gotten too far to let myself blow
this oppurtunity. I want this college degree so bad. I
want it more than anyone could ever imagine. This is one
of the few things I do totally for Chris, and I am
passionate about doing the best I can and making my time I
have been blessed with worsth it all.

Well I believe that is all I have to say. I hope you
enjoyed reading my commentary and I will try to update
again on Monday night or Tuesday.

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