i_bleed_life

The mediocrity that is me
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2003-02-03 08:11:17 (UTC)

Color Me Confused

"I've never felt this close to anyone before.
Ever. I've never had the experience of having someone
just be there for me. And when you said that, I got
angry, and I started thinking, well maybe this is more.
Maybe I did care about you a lot more than I thought.
Maybe it was love."

Who knows. I can't read your mind. I can only know what
I experience, what I think. I know what love is. I know
it. I don't know how to explain it. I know it
because...I know it.

It's not something that's short and fickle. It has
nothing to do with holding hands or sex or drinking coffee
or anything like that, really. It just....is. Love is
not a feeling. It's an action. You hate. You live. I
love. And I know what that means to me. I would do
anything, anything for you. Now, ten years
from now, twenty, thirty, forty years from now, I will
still be there for you because that's who I am. That's
who you are.

I love you.

Half choice, half forced, half fate (??). It doesn't
matter what you think about me. It doesn't matter whether
or not you love me. I'm not doing this because I want
something out of it. I'm not going to stop loving you if
you don't love me. It may not last forever, but I can
swear to you that it will last my entire life, and that is
as close to 'forever' as I am ever going to get.

And it hurts. Oh, god, does it hurt sometimes. But it
makes me who I am. I am defined by the people I love.
Maybe? Possibly? Definitely? I'm not doing this for
you, and I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it because
I'm me, because you're you. Because that's just how I do
things around here.

All is full of love. Indefinitely, undefinably --- love.

"I think we should see other people. We've got some
sort of connection here, one that I've never had with
anyone else before, and I'm wondering if it's possible to
have that connection with other people."

Of course it's possible. I've been there. Different
people, different feelings --- same type of connection.
You're unique, you're special; but don't ever think that
you're the only one. It's a choice. Do you want to go
out and look for someone else? You'll usually find what
you're looking for. That hurts. I can't even begin to
describe how much that hurts. I get all this bullshit
from you, and then that. Thanks a lot. No, really.
Thanks. I haven't felt so lonely in the presence of
friends in such a long time --- I guess I needed a
reminder.

Fuck.

Can't I just sleep forever?

Maybe I love too many people. I love you, but you aren't
the only one. Not now, not then, not tomorrow.

Never.


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