Life, with me - Run - Don't read - C
2003-02-03 04:58:28 (UTC)

Explanations on first entry, yippee - Not happy

Dear Journal, Diary? Blah.. I need a name for this, for
now I'll just call it Ed though, so Dear Ed!!!

This is NOT going to be a very happy first entry, you may
want to look away now.

Now, let's get down to business as this could take me
awhile to type. Firstly, if you happen to view my webpage
I posted, I chose to put that because I commonly am
barraged with questions as to why I type so horribly if
someone catches me during an "episode." So, I'm not going
to go in depth explaining that here. You wanna know, read
the link.


I told my friend when he asked me what was wrong tonight
that I would explain when I was more understandable. Well,
I don't know when that will be cause I'm not exactly sure
when that will be cause I'm not sure when I will stop
shaking, soooooo here I am cause this provides me with
efficient time to type whatever I need and I can go back
and redo and redo and redo until I get the words right! LoL

To explain why I was so upset that started this episode of
my TIC to start with... It's a combination of several
different things. My mom was in the hospital from the
17th - 24th of January. Since she has gotten home she is
slightly better, but she's not the way she was before
hand. She doesn't remember how to do things. Like today I
had to feel out a check for her cause she couldn't remember
how. It.. frightens me. But even more than that seeing
how weak she is, how sick she is. That.. terrorfies me.

Dad isn't helping things either. I feel like I can't so
much as move without being fussed at. If he comes in from
the store or something it's like he immediately starts
glowering at me. And today he started fussing at me for
not staying close enough to Mom. I was 12 ft from her, I
was sitting at the comp and had left my door wide open so I
could hear her, but I thought that she was talking to Daddy
so I didn't answer so I got in trouble. And the stress of
everything is just getting to me. I haven't done hardly
anything the past few nights but cry.

I wanna go to church. I miss church. Church was the one
true place that I have ever felt completely and totally
safe, but if I go that means enduring a car ride with Dad
alone and being lectured and almost being in tears by the
time we get to church. And I'm scared of leaving Mom here
alone... very scared of leaving her here alone.. and I
think I'll stop now, that explains the majority of things