engtruth

truth
2001-09-20 00:01:19 (UTC)

I fell in love with a navy boy

okay, i know this sounds really cheesy... but i think im
having some sort of identity crisis sometimes... I've
always had a problem with the military.. military people,
military life, the way they raise their kids, the way
you're trapped... lack of freedom... but one day i met this
guy. as much as i'd like to lie and say that i was strong
and i was the one who reeled him in.... i was whipped the
first time i saw him at the abyss. i never got him out of
my head... i wasnt obsessed or anything, but i never
forgot. and one day i finally got the guts to let him
know... and one thing led to another... and i fell in love..he was in
the military, the thing about is that... i dont even think i really
cared that much... its just that i've always felt that i had to stand
behind my beliefs... and i mat hae said or done things that made him
feel that his job wasnt good enough, he wasnt doing anything to be
proud of, or that i had no interest in his work. despite
what i may think sometimes or say.. we have a really good
relationship... filled with respect and love (thats what
keeps us together). And one day he told me he was in the
military. If only i knew then, what i know now... i would
have known that, that is nothing to be ashamed of. okay...
i feel cheesy, i'm crying now... because i think i hurt him
somehow... and it took a fucking war for me to realize how
wrong i was.
I tried to put him down, and trivialize his job.. not
directly but inferidly.... and now i understand. I used to
complain that there was a whole side of his life that i
didnt know about.... and now i know why. I wish i wasnt so
stubborn... relationships are about compromise and learning
to love and appreciate.... the things that they love.
honeslty, i thought some parts of rush hour two were
funny... but i never admitted that... i'll probably deny it
later... but i feel like sometimes i define myself by my
beliefs and then i end up being so prude that im missing
out on life.
growing up is so hard to do... especially when you
still think you have all of the answers. and sometimes... i
think that i dont even have the questions. I love brian
with all my heart, i wish there was someway that i could
convey that to him. and I'm proud of what he does...
because he is so much braver, stronger, and mature than i
am. he's not dead or anything, but its gonna be really hard
for me to show him how i feel about him. okay, i remember
why i wrote this... i wanted to write that im not afraid of
being a navy wife. I'm not afraid to let go and have fun.
i'm not afraid if my boyfriend wants to hang out in a club
without me, im not threatened by brian talking to varuna...
i trust him... and that goes soo deep... i dont just trust
his actions... but i trust his thoughts, his decisions, his
ideas... i trust that he knows whats best for him.. he may
not know whats best for me... but I love him that much... i
wish i woulda figured this out before now... nobody has ever been
this important to me before...its weird

~nicole