ZzEwokzZ

Well Oiled Heart but Still a Bit Squeeky
2003-02-03 02:04:36 (UTC)

Unknowns

Today, or should I say tonight, I read an entry that my
Belle wrote. In this entry she questioned the move of her
life. The move from E-town to Louisville, the move from
her friends, the move from her family. And its not that
she doesnt love me or anything, its just that she wonders
if she made the right choice.

And maybe we both made the wrong choice. Maybe we moved
too fast and are headed on a collison course. Maybe we
should back off and just life day to day without the
worries of the future. Maybe, even only after 3 months, we
need a break. I dont know right now, and only time will
help me to figure this out. I mean, I never want to lose
her, she's my life and is more important to me than
anything else I have ever had. I don't want to let go, I
want to hold her close to me so that she can never run away
like so many others did. But, I feel like I'm trying too
hard but at the same time, not nearly hard enough.

I guess its hard for me to understand what she's going
through. I used to have friends, that is before Amber.
When I was with her, I felt as if I didn't need friends
anymore and that she was the only friend for me. In alot
of ways, she is the reason for me not having friends
anymore, but I can't blame her, I can only blame myself. I
gave up on friendships, thriving for only relationships.
Through all my relationships, my significant other has kept
a wide collection of friends. Me on the other hand would
drop my friends at the drop of a hat if that meant spending
time with my love. Matt, Mike, Joe, Smallwood, Shannon,
Bean, and everyone else that I used to call "friend" in
high school was brushed aside because of my love for a
woman. And still, after Amber was no longer by my side and
holding me back, I was holding myself back. I made friends
after Amber, mostly girls, but the only reason I was
talking to them was to measure them up to see if we could
be compatable with each other. They were being used, not
as friends but as pawns in my quest for love. And yes,
this applies to Sarah.
I know that this entry is probably the most revealing and
if anyone I know reads this, I'm sorry. And most of all,
I'm sorry to Sarah. You were used, at one time. But not
anymore, your my friend, my love, my soulmate. I never
want to lose you, ever.
If for some reason this entry becomes the spark that starts
a fire, I do regrete ever writing it. But this is my
outlet and there is no where else for me to write and be
myself. Myself, hehe, I dont even know who the fuck I am!




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