It smells like poop over here
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2003-02-02 23:38:19 (UTC)

if you love me....

where have you been? well said RBF, you get a gold star.
let's start on friday morning, i get up to NMU to visit
my bro, im eating my leftover chinese for breakfast when i
get an IM from laura "tell me right now if you have a
problem with me" this leads to..."tom told me everything
you said last weekend." everything, and she meant
everything, cause i didn't say much, but she knew all of
it. everything about me losing respect for her, questioning
if i want to be friends with her, me saying how i now
understand why she's "disturbed laura" and whatever else i
might have said in my drunken state. fucking tom, wouldn't
have happened had he kept his mouth shut. course, never
would have happened had i kept my mouth shut. course...had
i not been in love with laura, nothing would have happened.
too late for that now, it happened, it all happened.
nothing i can do to change it. i tried to on friday. i
wrote a long ass email to laura "explaining" my actions.
very roughly at least...then of course i added, in a
general sense, "plus im in love with you." what to do now,
i have no idea. she didn't reply, or call, or write in her
livejournal. so i haven't talked to her yet, what's going
on her mind i don't know. im not sure what's happening in
my own mind, do i avoid her, talk to her online...which
could fix everything or make it all worse. i have next
saturday off, my plan as of now is to call kate, meet up
with her at state, suprise the helloutta her and kidnap her
and tlak to her till we get this worked out. i really dont'
wanna lose her as friend, she's a great girl and very
special to me. not just because im mildly infatuated with
her, but just because we'ver grown so close and she's just
a great girl.
conceided? yes, i am. in a terrible terrible way. i
have crush on devon as we all know, and she's laura's
roommate. no doubt that she knows or is going to know about
that email. so any chance with her at all is probably
totally whipped away, but she's got it for mike rudd
anyway...there's no way i could compare with that guy. so
essentially, im also upset at myself for telling
the "truth" to laura and a girl i like finding out i like
another girl more. which im not even sure is true anymore.
yes, in the summer, i wanted laura so god damn bad, but my
feelings have moved onto devon. who no one likes, cause
she's "disturbed". how i don't know. i thinks she's really
cool. but they call her double d, and not cause of her bust.
so what do i do? i have no fucking clue. i know i had
to say more, but i can't think of it all right now, cause
so many thoughts are trying to come out through my finger
tips, and i just can't type that fast.
remember how i could use a weekend off of getting
fucked up? yeah, i got drunk friday, and smoked out and got
drunk saturday. got to chill with sara and travis though.
hung out with matt, meet his roommates. his place is really
cool, but his room is tiny. i went to bed @ 5 am, cause i
stayed up to watch star wars, then got up at 10 and drove
home. i just got her at 5:45, and it's now 6:34. i spent
all day in a car.
ohhhh, what about MSU? my friends there are laura's
friends...and dave. oh man. fuck. if i go there and hang
out with those kids, it'll be more akward than wearing a
bunny suit in the cafeteria on christmas. i suppose im not
too worried about it....yeah i am. but laura and dave are
gonna break up soon, they fight everyday. one of these days
it'll go to far and...well you know. i hope....i need
everything to work out.
i guess my weekend was good, and totally sucked. i
think i lost a friend, with a possible 4 or 5, there's a
bunch of paint missing off my fender and i got a god damn
speeding ticket in munising. fucking a, could my life get
worse? well, yeah, it could get a lot worse, but i hope it
doesn't. mom's having surgery on thursday, everything needs
to get better. i smoke more than ever, im becoming a
drunken stoner with 2 packs of cigarettes........im a loser
whose not gonna have any friends that lives in his mom's
house, drives her car that went to community college for 7
years to get an associates degree. fuck. shoot me in the
one of my plans needs to come true soon....i either
have sex in the shower with 2 girls, get something to eat
and blow my brains out so i can die a happy and satisfied
man....or i die ugly, alone and dead....one of
those....very soon...please


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