Thoughts and Feelings
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2003-02-02 21:13:35 (UTC)

to being akward and alone

Music: Black Velvet by Alana Miles
Current Mood: confused

I am sitting in my room alone on this warm Sunday
afternoon, watching My So Called Life. Last night I went
to see The Hours and I really don't know if I can take
everything being so damn depressing.
My emotions have been running on high since sometime
yesterday, I guess when I woke up. I really don't know
what's wrong with me. I have so many confusing emotions, I
feel like being alone, I want to be with friends. When I'm
alone and I want to be with people, when I'm with a large
group I want to leave to be by myself. I really don't
understand that--I think that shirt would've helped, damn I
should've bought it. I want one thing but then change my
mind or try not to give in. And then when I have something
I think about why I don't need it. I'm not really even
talking about clothes, I'm talking about life. Do we
really stay alive for others? Would I be a recluse, die
alone with 15 cats if it weren't for others?
I want to be in a relationship with a guy but don't want to
have the work it involves. I want to be with someone where
it feels like we've been togather for years, because its
more comfertable. You don't have the akwardness of seeing
each other naked for the first time, you don't have to say
excuse me everytime you burb. You don't mind if you have a
zit and you aren't embarresed to say that you have your
period. Want I really want is what I had with Geoff about
a year ago, a perfect relationship with someone who I love
and loves me. I hate the akwardness of starting a new
relationship and ending an old one.