Mindy aka Cutie

The life of a suicidal Teenager.
2003-02-02 05:20:10 (UTC)

Suicidal tendacies

Alright, so Jon is being a total dick lately. He said
last Sunday that he was, "Going to be a better boyfrined
and show me how much he actually loves me." Yeah, that
one didn't work out to good. Anyways. Tonight we went to
Smokey Joe's house, a friend of Jon's sister Racheal. We
drank a few beers, smoked some weed, and ate barbeque.
For the whole 5 hours he ignored me. Not on purpose but he
did. Everytime I tried to say something he would
immediatley start talking or just not give me any
recognition. And, I'm to the point where I can't cry
anymore. I'm so serious. I try so hard to cry and just
let everything out. It won't work. No matter what I do I
just can't cry. The tears won't fall out. And, I am so
totally unhappy but would be even more so without Jon.
Right now the ONLY reason I am alive is because of him and
he doesn't understand how much he means to me. And,
tonight whenever I tried to kiss him or hold him or rub
his arm he would pull away from me or go find some
bullshit reason to go do something. What the fuck? Then,
when he gets into the car he appoligizes? You can't just
keep doing the same shit and think that I will forgive you
every fucking time. Yeah, I cut you ALOT of slack and
usually don't get so upset/pissed off. But, there is only
so much a person can take by someone she loves so much. I
even let him have my PS2 over there and bought him
cigaretts today. Like I don't ever do anything else for
him. And he treats me in this manner. Maybe he's honest
and doesn't do it on purpose but, can't he see? Or is he
totally oblivious to my unhappiness? This guy named
Ronnie likes me and wants me to break up with Jon for
him. I think not. Ronnie is just a friend. JUST a
friend. I know I said that about Jon but, me and Ronnie
? No way. He's one of those guys who is like a brother
to me and could never be anything more. Well, enough of
my blabbing for tonight. And next entry will explain my
new anorexia. Nighty night.