allie lost

allie lost
2001-09-19 05:23:11 (UTC)

the boys in my life

it seems that as a 16 year old who isn't what one would
call anything special. i have quite the array of exes. one
might call it a collection. it is almost (note the almost)
humorous to hear about my latest endeavours in the
relationship driven world. considering someone might read
this, i should probably keep it to the actually meaningful
relationships. which starts me off with a boy named ben. i
was 14, therefore i can dismiss this as immature stupidity.
i met him while snowboarding and was instantly infatuated.
unfortunately, he treated me, and all girls like shit. so
needless to say, it didn't last very long. the explanation
to why he treated girls like shit is really quite simple.
he was gay. and he didn't want to admit it. and therefore,
he wasn't interested so he tried to push them away by being
an asshole. then, there was eliott. who (oops) was ben's
best friend. quiet guy, really nice, really intense. my
being 14 and exceedingly fickle took a toll on him. after
we broke up, due to the fack that i barely got to see him,
he took things really hard. and i was completely oblivious.
he ended up committing suicide, not solely because of ouer
breakup, but mostly due to the fact that he felt alone
thanks to his horrible parents and his natural inclination
towards being a loner. i miss him. and i wish that i could
have been there for him, maybe not to save him, but to have
held his hand on the way down. which leads me to josh. ahh
josh. beautiful yet oh so stupid. enough said. he was a
hockey jock and expected me to be his little trophy and
puck slut. he was mistaken. it was lust, not love. speaking
of love...i don't understand love. i hope someday i will,
but to any extent that i could love as a naive 15 year old,
i did. chay. he was everything i had always hope for in a
guy. he was cute, he was nice, he was intelligent, he had
character and he had conviction. and on top of all of that,
he cared about me. he was the bad boy that changed/screwed
up my life to this day. i idolized him, i basically
worshipped him. and then i found out that it had all been a
lie. he had cheated, he had lied, he didn't care and he
used me. and now i say that he is barely a part of my life.
but that will never be true. the marks and scars that he
left are still visible, as ashamed i am to admit that one
guy could completely alter my person. he is why i was drug
obsessed, the reason why i smoke, the reason why i don't
trust and the reason why i hate myself. pathetic how one
guy could do all this to me. i would love to one day pay
him back for all the pain he caused, to see him one more
time. to maybe see everything i hadn't seen before. but i
can't. he was killed 7 months ago. as much as i hate him, i
wish i had had the chance to say goodbye. next there was
dover. he was my rebellion. he was the most cracked out kid
i had ever met. he was older, he wore leather. and he had
the most beautiful green eyes. he was obsessed with me. i
was moving away and i told him that we would have to go our
separate ways, he responded with a baseball bat. i wound up
in the hospital with a concussion, three broke ribs and a
knee so badly destroyed that i had to have my kneecap
replaced. i can't get over how candid i am being. normally
i would tell people that i had my knee fixed because of my
intense dancing. but it's not true. then i moved. broken
heart and broken mind across the country to where i am now.
i met a guy here that was fantastically fun. he has
disgusting green hair and an eyebrow ring. he liked the
music i liked and he was heavily into the local punk scene.
unfortunately, tihis is where the heavy confusion between
friends and boyfriends came into play. i figured any guy i
was close to, i liked in that way. and i was wrong. i cared
aboutalex, just as a friend. and that just about killed
him. i still don't understand what he saw in me, but
evidently it was something good. through alex, i met my
next and most recent ex boyfriend. his name is chad. he was
this charismatic older guy whom i had met at a gathering
with alex months before dating. when i met him that one
time, it seems that he had imprinted himself on my mind. i
never forgot him although the time that i spent with him
was short and insignificant. when i ran into him at a tiny
punk show in this town in the middle of nowhere, i realized
how interrested i was in him. we dated. i started to trust
him. he started at university, it fell apart. i miss him. i
miss the way he would make fun of me. i miss the way you
would hold me when i was feeling down. i miss always
knowing he wanted to hear my problems and my bitching. i
miss being able to call him. i miss his stupid grin, his
skinny body and his relentless farting. fuck i miss him.
so those are the boys i've dated. the one that i will never
forget. the ones that wounded me. the ones that cared. i
don't know why i felt compelled to write about this. most
likely because the last breakup was so recent. but i did.
so what's done is done. what you now think of me is your
perogative.