JoeZero

Dreams of a Disturbed Mind
2003-02-01 13:14:25 (UTC)

It's Early

Around 7:30 am to be precise. at my moms house. i'm not
sure why i'm awake really, got up to get a drink of water
and suddenly realized i dont have a horrid terrible
hangover. this may be a dissapointment to the boys back in
wake forest but i think i may be developing into a
responsible drinker. i bought a 12 pack of bud light last
night and only drank about half of it. not to mention the
fact i wasnt using the beer to chase shots or popping
pills and taking bong hits along with it. instead of
drinking to get smashed beyond reality, i just started
with one at dinner then had a few while i watched some
movies with my family here. i'm really starting to think
that this is where i belong. me and my brother seem to be
getting along much better than we have in the past. it
would be nice if i could find a job near by that i could
walk or ride a bike to. Bugg says the gas station just
around the corner has had a now hiring sign up for ages.
good things seem to be happening here. after reading
rachels journal i've decided to try to call a truce with
jason, and maybe even try to keep some of the other things
shes said in mind too. i'm really concerned about gera
tho. she keeps talking about going swimming in a creek
near her house, and not for healthy lets go play in the
creek reasons, its quite cold outside and i'm sure even
more in the mountains where she is. the water would be
freezing, and i'm certain she would get sick. i've decided
when my dad gets back from atlanta i'm going to go ahead
and make the trip even if i havent found a free place to
stay. i'll just bite the bullet and spend the cash for a
motel room. i love her too much to just sit around and
wait while she gets closer to hurting herself again day
after day. i constantly have to talk her out of swimming,
cutting, wrist banging, and occasionally the random other
ways inflict pain and injury upon herself. it really
upsets me to see her so unhappy but theres not much i can
do besides talk to and visit her occasionally at the
moment. i cant simply take her away from her home, i'd get
locked up. wich really frustrates me. once i find a job
i'll probably be getting my own apartment sometime in
march, and if i could take her home with me, it would
solve so many problems, i could maybe actually for once in
her life keep her happy for most of the time. if i could
just make this relationship work. make this girl that i
love and that loves me happy, make one right in the sea of
wrongs i've done, fix one of the hearts that i have broken
in my twisted excuse for a life that i've been living,
looking back now, i dont see how anybody could have loved
me at all the way i was. the way i still am sometimes but
am trying not to be. maybe i can really change. maybe i
can find a job, get my license back, get married, have
kids, buy a house, and have the family vacation once a
year i always wanted... maybe, just maybe, things are
going to be ok.




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