Kyden Conformity

self destruction introduction
2001-09-19 00:05:10 (UTC)

I hate love/makes me sick

Yesterday towards late afternoon I suddenly really wanted
to see Steph and make things better and not feel
indifferent towards her. I saw her out the window and in a
flash I jumped onto the roof and slid down the lamp post to
see her - it was neat and I was happy, she didn't even
realise anything was up..of course. We stood on the road
and kissed and I just wanted to be good and nice to her.

After making out with her in my room and being really close
I suddenly realised that I had, had, HAD to ask her
something. So, I asked her 'do you still love me?' she um-
ed and then pulled back from me and looked at me as if I
were something she couldn't decide wheather she wanted or
not. And then she said 'I don't know'. I should of dropped
her yesterday just for the hell of it.

It seems in those situations that everything she says
twists the knife a little more but she doesn't even
realise. My heart is tattered.
This is the second time this kind of thing has happened.
I'm left with my emotions exposed and feeling as if I've
been cheated. I hate this.
She said she cares but she doesn't think that she cares as
much as I do.

What should I do? should I break up with her. I tried to
last night. I told her that I didn't want to date her
anymore but the thought of not seeing her anymore hurt.
made things seem much worse. She asked me not to break up
with her and that she wants to be a good girlfriend, and I
relented and said ok. we'd try many times are we
going to try, how many times am I going to come off feeling
shattered and hurt??

what do I do? I feel as if I can't even process what's
happening or happened. I can't even look at her properly.
things are changing, the way I feel about her, I mean.
We parted on semi good terms. I guess I should just do my
best to confuse her - kiss/slap - and act like I don't care
until eventually I don't care.

She says she really cares. I know her life is very
different to mine but that doesn't mean she gets to treat
me like dirt. Why am I putting up with this??