Yet Another Average Diary
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2003-02-01 03:49:04 (UTC)

I'm so phleeking sad right now.

I just came back from the bowling alley. Normally, every
Friday and Saturday (and Sunday's if there's no school on
Monday or sumffink) almost alll my friends and I go to the
bowling alley and hang out. Well.. The guy I realllly like
was there.. And it was painful for me, because he still
thinks he's a bad boyfriend and now I'm beginning to
believe that he is just saying he likes me to make me feel
better and saying that he's a bad boyfriend as an excuse
not to go out with me. Damn.. I'm being so selfish... And
I hate it. But I've known this guy for a while, and I
think he's one of my best friends, and I can talk to him
easily, and he's really funny and nice, and I guess that's
why I really like him. I sound obsessive. I'm so damn
pathetic. Last night I was literally BAWLING. Yeah,
bawling. I hate my life. My mom is such a prick. But
that's also because she seems to be stressed out. My
grandfather might die this week or maybe even next week.
I'm really sad over that, and heartbroken over the guy I
like, and then how I'm jealous of all my friends. Man, I
hate my life so bad.

My friend took a magazine and it had a picture of a girl
in barely any clothing on and I said, "Dude, she's hott!"
And my friend stared at me as if I'm some phleeking crazy
loon and she's been avoiding me all night. Well, now I
know she doesn't like me much anymore because I'm bisexual.

I don't know if I should tell my mom about me being
bisexual. I don't know her reaction. I guess I'll just ask
her on how she feels about them, if she is against them--
like my dad. My dad is racist, and it sucks... Now that I
notice, I barely have any black friends, but one of my
good friends is black and my dad never lets her over his
house. He's an ass. And every time we talk about drugs, my
dad starts, "Those niggers are all doing drugs these days.
And look how these fat women dress. I mean, you'd never
see a fat women dressing like they do now back when I was
a kid. Notice how everyone looks at them disgustingly, but
a nigger wouldn't. He'd gladly accept her and screw her."
And seriously.. I don't want to put up with it.

I want the guy I like to get online. So--I guess--I can
tell him what is wrong with me. Omj.. (Oh My Jeebus). This
totally sucks. I know I could have it worse, but I HATE
being alone, and I have been for a while, and it really
sucks. Omj, I hate my life. I wish I'd just curl into a
ball and phleeking die. No one would care, I bet. I swear,
everyone is off doing their own thing, acting as if they
don't give a damn about me, while ALSO saying they love me
and I'm their best friend. Hahaha... No. That's not true.
And my life sucks...

... I'm so hopeless and pathetic...

... And alone.

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