lillian jeanne
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2003-01-31 18:59:15 (UTC)

blueberry muffins

Dear Lillian J,
my head hurts and im really tired although i shouldnt be
because i slept for a long time last night... not well but
for a long time. unfortuanatly i missed vinnie doing her nude run
aroudn the track cause i felt so sick... i wish ihad been there
cause she actually did i! i feel like my brain is caving in...not
an especially good feeling if ya knwo what i mean...i told
mom that i feel like this and she's like- am i then only
one you tell this to or what? i dont want to go back to
the doctors again, it hard enough telling a normal doctor
all my problems but dr. r. is my dad's partner and i just
dont feel like sick of this bullshit. classes
went well today at least, they didnt kill me and i got a
102 on my bio test from wed which is nice but not good
enough - shouldve been a 105. why cant i jsut be ok with
getting a 102? common now - fuck being perfect and good
enough ... one of these days i will be satisfied with
being not quite good enough - i guess not today though. i
dont know who im fooling - poor ralph asked me to be his
sponser and im in no frame of mind to show him God, maybe
its a test, maybe he's supposed to show me Him... he does
anyway, everyday, he's an angel im almost positive...keeps
me feeling loved by someone, tells me im beautiful, tells
me im smart and perfect and im too hard on myself. this
song is goign to make me cry, everything by lifehouse - YA
skit song... and my prom song for that matter. lol
highschool... man things were easy then. i hve a
blueberry muffin sitting here telling me to eat it and i
dont think i will - ill give it to ralph when he konw how many carbs and sugars are in a one
freakin muffin... i want to be back to before - no
medicine no worries, just me in my bubble. doesnt workt
hat way i guess - Lord, please bring me to you and help me
to lead a life according to your will...
ps. can i just ride on your back for a time?? - matt nathanson

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