Darling Heart

What i can't say
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2003-01-31 08:03:08 (UTC)

First time

Ok, no one knows about this, i can wrtie whatever i want
and not have to worry about my friends reading this. And i
don't have to worry about getting jeff worried and someone
maybe reading it and finding out about our...affair? i
don't what the hell i'm suposed to call it. All i know is
i'm not happy with it anymore.
At the beginning, i loved it. I had a crush on him, and it
seemed like he maybe liked me. And then he kissed me. I
went crazy. I spent that entire weekend going insane
because i hadn't talked to him and i didn't know where we
stood or anything. Then when he was back for his surgery,
we spent a good amount of time making out. It was clear
that we both had feelings for each other, but because of
the age difference and the distance, we couldn't be
together. So we decided to stop whatever was going on
between us. That was upsetting. But i handled it alot
better than i thought i would have. Then he told me that
he was in love with Jess. That hurt. And i didn't even
know that they were that close. I mean, i knew they had
dated, and that they were still amazing friends and that
when they broke up, he still had feelings for her. But i
thought he really liked me. And when he told me only a few
days after we "broke up" (i don't even know the right word
to use for any of this. our relationship hasn't even fit
into a mold or a specific type) that he was in love with
jess, i was so hurt, not that he loved her, but that it
took him only a few days to stop having feelings for me.
They weren't dating, but they "loved each other". And then
i finally started to get over him. We still joked aournd a
little, but for a while it was stressful. Then he came
back for christmas break. When i first saw him, it was
tense. At one point he groped at my boob, and then i was
pretty sure he was going to kiss me, but i stopped him.
And then when he left i realized i really wanted him to
kiss me. The next time i saw him was a few days after
christmas at Cait's party. That was awful. The party
sucked and Jeff spent a good part of the night just talking
to Melissa. That led me to think for a while that maybe
they were going to get back together. But i don't think i
have to worry about that. Melissa's a bitch, and he likes
being friends with her, but he won't date her again. But
that was a bad night. I was hoping that we would have been
a little more close, and you know, even flirted a bit. But
also, he had just gone to the wedding of a girl that he had
been involved with for a long time, who he loved alot. So
he was kinda affected by that. He drove me home, and and i
guess i was hoping that it would have been different than
it was. I also wondered what it would have been like if
we'd still been "together" (i'm saying together simply
because i don't now what else to call it). Because we
didn't want alot of people to know, and we would have had
to play the whole just friends thing. But i could see us
sneeking little kisses in cait's room and things like
that. And then we probably would have left early and gone
and made out somewhere. It would have been fun. But
nope, no fun was had at that party. Then he went away with
his family for a few days. When he got back Jordan was
visiting so we hung out at Jeff's house. It was fun
because he was all flirty and teasing and then Jordan left
and we layed on the bed together for a while. At one point
we we almost kissed, and i so wish we had, because he was
sitting in the computer chair and i was sitting behind him
and i leaned down and he leaned back, and it would have
been one of those upside down kisses, which i've always
wanted to try. But anywways, we went down stairs and we
were in the garage and he stood behind me and started like
rubbing his hands on my stomach and boobs and stuff, and it
was nice, but then i freaked because he parents were like
right there so i made him stop because i didn't want them
to hear us, even though i'm pretty sure his mother suspects
something. So then we went to meet Jordan at Sarah's and
while we were driving he started grobing my breast, and
then we both decided that i shouldn't have my bra on so he
undid it with one hand while driving, and then i slipped it
off under my shirt and he basically has his hand on my boob
the entire time. So we had to go to Agora, and by the time
we got there we'd have to turn around because i had to be
home by six, so we didn't even bother to stop. And then he
undid the button on my pants and his hand started moving in
my pants, but i kinda stopped him. I really want him to
touch me, yet for some reason i always seem to freak. And
i know why, it's because i'm afraid that i won't be good
enough apearance wise "down there" or whatever. So, then
we we still driving and i was getting really turned on and
he was getting really turned on, and i ended up sliding my
hand down his pants. So, i had no idea what to do because
i've never touched a penis before. And i had never thought
about bringing a guy off, so i just kinda ran my fingers
over him for a while, for about 15 minutes actually, as we
drove all the way back home, the whole time trying to find
a place to park. Finally, with ten minutes left, we ended
up way back in Dos Vientos. So he parked and i gave him a
hand job, which turned out to be alot easier than i
thought. We kissed twice, but it was weird. He told me he
really wanted to kiss me, and i said so kiss me, and he
almost hesitated, and then he did. I love kissing that
guy. I could spend my entire life kissing him. So i was
really turned on, but i had to be home. So i was joking
around alot about how he owed me and stuff, that next time
was my turn. So that was a Saturday. The next time i saw
him was on a monday. I thought we were just going to hang
out, like i totally didn't expect anything to happen. But
we got there, and of course no one was home, and he took me
upstair to his parent room. His reason for us being in
there was that it was the only place that had something big
enough for us to lay down on and watch tv. So we got on
his parents water bed and we layed down and i wasn't right
next to him, there was like half a foor between us, and he
was like, why aren't you laying next to me. So i curled up
next to him. And we watched home improvemnt, which is like
what we always watch. As we were just talking and he had
his arm around me and i had my head on his shoulder, and i
was running my fingers over his chest. And then his hand
started to caress my face, just running over my cheek, and
then he angled my face up and we kissed. I wasn't
excpecting it. So we made out and then he was laying ontop
of me and he took of his shirt and soon i was topless. And
my pants were unbuttoned. He has touched my through my
pants multipule times, and i've loved it, never cum from
it, but it feels so good. But then i actually let him
touch me and i was kinda disapointed. I mean, he just
didn't touch me in the right places, if you know what i
mean. But my pants were still on and he couldn't really
see what he was doing. But since i wasn't getting any
pleasure, and i was also kinda uncomfortable for some
reason, i freaked a little and pulled his hand away. I
wouldn't let him touch me again. I don't know why,
probably for the same reason as before. But then i gave
him a hand job. Then we went to the store and he brought
me home. I felt so bad for freaking out. I guess i know
why i did it, i just wish i hadn't.
So then he goes back to school. And a few days later he
tells me that we can't mess around anymore because he's
afriad he's upsetting me and making me second guess
myself. I had figured that we were done anyways, so it
wasn't a big shock. But i don't regret anything that has
happened with him. But now for about the past few weeks,
we've been getting really racy online. Telling each other
what we want to to do each other, and sending each other
steamy e-mails. It's fun, only we both get really horny
and don't have anyone to get horny with. But then a few
days after he tells me we need to stop, we can start again
as long as we don't kiss when we're touching each other.
Which is because kissing makes everything more emotional.
And we can't have that can we. And lately i've been
feeling alot more towards him. I am starting to have
feelings for him tonight. And then yesterday he tells me
that him and jess "broke up". He's in love with her, but
she only loves him as a friend. I feel about him the way
he feels about her, and she feels about him the way he
feels about me. We're amazing friends, with great sexual
chemisty, but we're just friends. I don't know if we're
going to hook up again or not. We probably will, and it
will probably end up leaving me really fucked up
emotionally. I mean, i am in love with the guy. And i am
hoping that now that Jess is "out of the picture" that
maybe we can be "together" again. I guess i hope that if
we hook up again that we'll end up kissing and then he'll
relaize that he has feelings for me. I know that if we
just get each other off, then it will be good, but i will
end up just getting hurt. I know we need to stop all
together, but i don't really want to. Like when he told me
after the thing in his parents bed that we needed to stop,
i was completely and totally fine about it. I was even a
little happy. But now we're probably going to hook up
again. And the past few days i've been soooo increadable
horny, like all i can think about is him touching me and
it's because of our conversations online. They are
basically cyber sex. I mean, i get so turned on that i go
get myself off afterwards (which i told him....o, another
thing which might explain a little of the things happening
lately, i'm on pain medication that makes me really loopy,
so i'm high when i say half this stuff to him online) and
the past two night i've gotten him off while we were
talking. I totally don't mind, like i don't regret any of
this stuff thats happeneing. But i realized that i'm
happier when i wake up in the morning and i find an e-mail
from him telling me that i'm amazing and increadably sexy
(which i honestly don't think i'm sexy, i have no idea what
he sees in me, because he tells me all the time i'm
beautiful and sexy, and i love it because guys don't
normally say that to me) than when we have our
conversations. I love having them, but if i'm not as in
the mood, like i was tonight, i don't find it as
enjoyable. I love it when he calls me baby or cutiepie or
other pet names. I love all the little romantic touches
like that. I don't know, i have no idea what my real
feelings are. I don't know anything, i'm so confused.
And he doesn't want anyone to know. I'm not saying i want
to go broadcasting everything we do all over the place, but
it's like he doesn't want anyone to even know we're frinds
(ok, well maybe not that far, but he doesn't want people to
know that we've messed around). His reason is that people
wouldn't understand. I think that alot of people
wouldn't. I think that it would make me look slutty. But
i can't help but feel like he doesn't want anyone to know
because he's embarrassed that we've hooked up. I know it's
probably me being paroniod. But he told me today he
doesn't want me writing things about us on my other
journals. I learned from experience not to put anything
about him on my deadjournal, because alot people (some who
i am not even sure who they are-i know them, but i don't
know which od the people i know they are, that doesn't make
sense but whatever)read my deadjournal and i don't want
them to know about my stuff with jeff. But i have a
freeopendiary that i put everything on, and only one friend
knew about it, but then i made a mistake and accidently
might have let the address slip to other people who i don't
want to read it, so i had to go through and make all the
important entries private. But he's all concerned that
people are going to find out. It just makes me wonder. I
don't know. I love jeff to death, he is one of my best
friends and i don't know what i would do without him. But
i also don't know what to do about all this. i don't knwo
how i feel about him, and i don't know for sure how he
feels about me. Ugh, i hate all this confusion. Why can't
things be simple? why can't we just make out whenever he
comes back?
O, and then, with our whole rule about the no kissing, why
did he bring that up? because he's afraid of me getting to
attached? or beccause he's afraid of getting attached? i
don't know, whatever. I'm tried, it's midnight and i need
sleep.


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