KaliKalen

Sick n' - yeah...

*sigh* Why is it when I do try to do something, I dun get
recognized for what job i do do.. and yet when I get lazy
and don't do anything at all (as if i'm smart enough) i get
told to do something. Something I don't know anything
about...

I dun ... understand why people think being a friend is
such a nice privilage when sometimes i could care less what
they think... "Pity act" she says... "Don't do that 'pity
me' act with me, Jen," she says again. *sigh* I mean
really... if i wanted pity from her, i'd be in her face
more.. .. doesn't mean it hurts any less... what kind of
friend says that? huh? What kind of friend pushes you aside
as if yer striving for that attention? If i really wanted
to talk, I would've said something... she doesn't have to
be so fucking cruel...

Crying doesn't help any.. nor does hurting myeslf
either... I hate life so much but.. i love it dearly
now... i have so much to look foreward to each day.. so
much to smile about and yet so much that hurts.. frustrates
me.. I try so hard to please everyone but then... it all
crashes and burns at my feet as if the gods said "No Jen,
that is not good enough. not good enough for us, thus not
good enough for yer fellow mortals." not good enough for
anyone.. not even myself... I am such a failure in
everything it seems... i only do so much good and then
fuck up the rest... it's all i can do.. all i'm cursed to
do on this grand planet... she gives us so much with the
father sun.. *shrug*

I've nothing to offer anymore... i don't think i had
anything to begin with to offer... i'm ruined flesh, screw-
minded and horribly cold... no one wants me ... heh, i'd
get married and watch, my husband will hate me because I
screw up the food each night, or because I sleep on my left
side more than my right... hell... could be because any
offspring i bear will have a defect... i am a defect...
such a person shouldn't live... yet i do... i live and i
love.. gods... such horrible burden i give those i love,
huh? to be loving them with my cursed soul and body... my
cursed and defected mind and heart... i shouldn't be able
to love.. i shouldn't be able to do anything of that
sort... i should forever be alone and ever lonely... live
out the rest of my life with tears on my pillow, a stressed
filled day life and depression filled night life... never
to really live, but to be..

I dunno... Wish someone would tell me I am loved.. I
can't ... no... thats too much... i won't ask that.. i
dun deserve it.. i dun deserve love... i'm not enough for
anyone... no... i'll remain forever alone... and
lonely... *nods some, sighs*

[ 140] Akasha: your imm spot
Date: Thu Jan 30 22:08:33 2003
To: Kaly
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Hon, i know you've got a lot on your mind and all, but I really need
to see you logging on and doing more with the players if you want to
remain staff here .. Not just chitchatting or coming on, checking who
and leaving again.

May sound mean and rude and all, but I really need an active and
useful staff these days more than anything else.

*huggles*
how're things going? they lighten up any for you?

Heidi