Infiniterocker

hello kitty cat
2003-01-31 05:19:58 (UTC)

bitch bitch bitch and more bitching

I thought I'd write in here, lately I've been writing in
my regular little journal----but I can't find it--it's
packed away some where. Well, right now, I feel like SHIT.
I don't know why I've felt like complete shit since I've
been here--but I have. I'm all dizzy.
Moving on---I have
so many things running through my head. I talked to my
little brother the other day (Ian) and ever since I've
felt really guilty. Ian started really going downhill when
I left. I feel responsible. I feel like if I hadn't of
left, he wouldn't have gotten so into drugs, that he
wouldn't have been arrested, that his grades would be
better--and the other day when I talked to him, he was
about to go to Alabama to some boarding school (my father wants
nothing to do with him...). I guess
that's better for him in the end becuase he doesn't have
to deal with Dad's jesus shit/lies. When I talked to him...he said
he really learned a lot about
himself in bootcamp--I don't know if he meant it or not--
my Dad was probably standing right behind him so who
knows.Hah...some how my Father got the idea I am in Chicago...which
is fine...because I don't want him to
ever bother me again. I want to forget about all that
shit.
I've been staying with Mike since I've been back. I
don't know, I really care for him so much, but I feel liek
a burden. Don't ask me why, and I'm really unclear with
what's going through his head. It sucks, I can see through
most people..and I have to look twice with him. I hate it
when I care about someone so much---just the idea of
losing them scares the shit out of me. What happens
happens though. People come and go, I've learned that lol. I just
wish I knew
what he was thinking---what he was feeling...because I
have no clue with him. I guess it just comes down to....I
think he's a really great guy, and I want him in my life,
whether it be as a "significant other" or as a good
friend. Becuase you don't meet people like him every day.

On a lighter note... Joselin and I are gonna meet up
tomorrow afternoon--to see the apartments..and see exactly
when I can move in. I'm so tired of living out of a
fucking suitcase. I haven't felt like I had a PLACE TO
LIVE for a VERY long time--I'm tired of that shit. I want to feel
safe. I don't want to be an inconvenience to anyone
anymore. I'll be alright once I get my shit together. I
guess I'm jsut a little stressed out...and the Ian thing
is really bugging me. I just don't want him to miss out on
his childhood...and I don't want him to have to suffer for
my Dad's mistakes....I hope to god this all isn't a result
of me leaving him there. OK I need to stop. I've bitched enough
for one entry.