Claudia

once again
2001-09-18 06:21:21 (UTC)

compulsion

I spent all my money again today on clothes and I need to
stop. Returning jeans was not a good idea. I need will
power to save because I want to goto Florida in November
and that requires being caught up on bills and having some
sort of money to go with. And I have to pay my bills now
and get my car Ill. legal. So I need to find the will to
do it. If Shawn was here I'd be able to. I always saved
money well with him. Maybe it's because I had a bank
account to put it into. I want to see Q when they come
here the 28th but I'm scared Shawn will get mad. I just
miss my friends and even though Q was a dick, he was my
friend first. Some girls started at Cody's and Q told them
to watch out for Shawn but he quickly defended himself to
the fact that he had me here and Q was the real player.
Dawn let them know that if they attempted anything she had
my full back and I wouldn't have to worry about a thing.
Shawn and I are meant to be and she won't let anything ruin
it again for us. I hope to God this is all right because I
have this constant pit in my stomach without him and I'm
always so anxious to talk to him. We really talked to
today. I let him know exactly how hurt I was when he left
me and he told me that it hurts him not to be able to see
me and he feels dead inside and I told him good because
that's what he did to me. I told him I'm still that way
and he is killing me more by making these promises and I
need to know it's really going to come true. He said he
wanted both worlds at the time, to be with me but to be
able to go out. I told him he never stopped to realize why
I was mad that he would go out. It was because I didn't
care if he did but just that he would be home and clearly
express he hated being home and it made me feel like I was
a peice of crap to him. He swears he's so ready to be what
he has to be and I hope. HE IS MY WORLD AND MY HEART HURTS
WITHOUT HIM!