The mediocrity that is me
2003-01-31 02:29:46 (UTC)

Harder than anything.

I have had two actual epiphanies in my life. Two moments
of complete and utter clarity, where I suddenly understood
everything and anything in my life --- why I was there,
what kept me going.

The first was when I came home from the hospital after a
suicide attempt that obviously failed. I blacked out in
front of my doorstep...and woke up in the hospital the
next day. I was so pissed that I was still alive. I
can't even begin to describe the feeling. It could have
been so easy...so simple...just black out and never wake
up again. But I didn't. I was still there the next day.

Anyway, I don't need to chronicle when or why or how I had
these epiphanies, so I'm not going to bore anyone with the
details. But what I came away with was first, that there
is always hope, and second, that life will go on. I wrote
them both down in the journal somewhere.


The hardest thing I have ever had to do is let go. I
can't really go into more details than that right now
because my mind refuses to focus.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do is let go. It
seems so simple ---- just let go. Move on. Life goes on.

It's the hardest thing I have ever done. But I have never
felt so free as I do this moment.