2001-09-18 04:56:40 (UTC)

lax and lucid

well, I thought I had something to say, but now I'm not
sure... Let's see.

Cruelty (to me).....

Things I loved(L) and hated(H) about Breezy:

L - the attention.
H - the attention deficit disorder.
L - the trust.
H - having it broken.
L - being able to forgive regardless.
H - it being misconscrued by her as a need for her to
justify her infidelity when I don't really care about it
anymore; having that in turn misconscrued as a need to hurt
me more emotionally in any concievable way possible.
L - her cute fits.
H - her rages that led to intense self-mutilation.
L - her ability to talk to me on an intelligent level.
H - her propensity to turn anything into an argument.
L - her spontaneity
H - her spontaneously getting angry, disphoric, etc... -
see above....
L - her dreams and ideas.
H - her having dreams about me cheating on her just so she
could do it to me in the end at the first opportunity that
showed itself.
L - her art.
H - having it remind me of her (good and bad equally)
everytime I see it.
L - being able to be there for her during incredibly
difficult times and knowing there is nothing humanly
possible that I didn't actually do.
H - how I'm thanked for it.
L - her works of us
H - the fact that they drive me insane now - and that she
sold one of my all time favorites for $50 - and that she
did it for money and didn't even give me a chance to buy it
off of her.
L - pushing myself as far as I could to help her through
BPD's bad stuff
H - the fact that doing so made me hospitalized three
times, made me feel responsible for her actions, made me
feel like I had to edit everything I said from its
existence to its diction, and the fact that it gave the
appearences that I was trying to force myself on her on a
few occasions when peoploe found me trying to restrain her
from harming herself (knives and cigarette lighters
usually) and didn't realize the situation (ie - that she
had a brain disorder and was trying to slice and burn
L - the fact that noone really had a problem with us.
H - being the target of pedaphile jokes afterwards
(especially since one of the hard issues was the court case
of a pedophile who had victimized her 40 years her senior -
she was 17). And unprovocated chrones insults from her.
L - the fact that I moved mountains for her - she said she
would have been dead now if it hadn't been for me nd
compared me to a cure for cancer.
H - that I was destroyed by a gentle breeze.
L - having my faith in humanity restored.
H - having it shattered like its never ben shattered before.
L - trusting again.
H - see above.
L - having loved her.
H - having loved her.
L - making her smile.
H - that it seems like thats all she was interested in too.
L - being a good boyfriend.
H - having that exploited.
L - teaching her that there is love and making love - that
abuse and bondage will only destroy her piece at a time.
Having her cry joyously at the realization while making
H - being replaced by the first piece of ass that caught
her fancy...
L - doing all I could
H - having to do so damn much! to the point where I
couldn't afford to be me because I was too afraid of
setting her off again (BPD - that is).
L - life
H - feeling empty, isolated, used, and spiritually chained
and beaten for 7 months. (spiritual bondage?? - not
exactly what I meant, but...).
L - her interests - like plush toys
H - sitting there doing nothing as she surfed for them on
ebay for countless hours at a time and not being able to
say "actually, I do mind" cause it would set her off. Or
so experience had dictated...
L - my ability to commit turning out to actually be intact.
H - knowing it isn't anymore.
L - what I became then
H - what I'm becoming now....

maybe I'll add to this when I next need to vent

phewwww! *wipes sweat off of brain*

going to read more Asain history, get high, and crash into
the ashes of my twisted remains of sanity.

enjoy coke!! ^_^