Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2003-01-30 02:32:01 (UTC)

wow, 2 days in a row

I'm writing again. This is a good sign. It in this case
also means I am in a sort of depressed mood. There is
something in the back of my brain that I can't coax out
into the light or shake it off.

I feel like something tragic will happen. I have been a
good mood all day. I don't know what is going on now. I
suddenly am not interested in anything other than this
sinking feeling I have.

I do not wish this strange feeling on anyone. It is more
than one person can make sense of. I am doing my best to
figure it out and having no luck.

I really wish Dave was around. He could bring me up out
of whatever I have got myself into to. He is I believe in
Colorado right now. I'm sure I'm the farthest thing from
his mind right now. He has work and other things to think
about.

I want to invite him up to my Grandma's property to take
pictures of Mt. Ranier. It is the best view in
Washington. If he says he'll come then I will invite
others. I can't invite John alone because I would be the
talk of the town. Gene (nice wonderful woman) might write
the event up in the paper.

Also my relatives that are there might not like it. It
would be great to have a bunch of friends up there to take
pictures. I love going there and miss it dearly.

I got to talk to newest friend via the phone today. She
and I ususally talk online, but today we had a long
conversation via the phone. Until my stupid fucking
cordless phone ended the conversation by dying. I had to
take the battery out and jiggle it a bit to get it to work.

Tonight I am going with Cal to take pictures of Astronomy
equipment. Like telescopes and stuff I think. I have my
cool digital camera that she wants to borrow. Camera
person comes with the camera. I'm making a policy that
John, me and very few others can use my camera. If Dave
asks I will let him too. I have not seen him since buying
the camera.

It's been over two months now since we saw eachother
last. I miss him right now. Even when we don't talk I
like knowing he's online. It's comforting to have friends
around via the web.

Maybe he will call me. He seems to do that when he's out
of town. He thinks of something to call me about. Oh
well. I know it will be months before I see him again.
My mind doesn't want to belive it, but I know the truth.
He is a busy guy with a life around his house...not 120
miles away where I am.

I'm sure I mentioned it, but he doesn't want to come over
and get drunk with me. He said he was sure he'd try to
make a move on me. When I promised other people would be
there he reluctantly said he might come somtime.

I was not the one who mentioned drinking with him. I did
however say I wanted to get drunk again. He inserted
himself into that comment. It certainly would be amazing
if he did come though.

While I was talking on the phone with S we got to talking
about friends and who are our best friends etc... I began
to think about the kind of friends Dave and I are. There
are days that I would consider him one of my Best
friends. Other days he's far from it. If anything I
would consider him online to be a close friend. In person
we are so distant because I can't seem to talk to him. I
did fine when he was here last year. IT took a while for
me to open up though. He must have been bored out of his
mind until I got to talking.

I just wish we could spend more time around eachother so I
could get more comfortable with simply holding a real
conversation with him.

I also seem to have run out of things to tell him. I
don't know what has happened to me. When he is online I
can't think of anything to say that would keep the
conversation going. All I think up are stupid things like
I'm looking out my window... and other stupid shit.

Once upon a time we talked a lot and about lots of
things. A year ago I would swear that he'd come running
if I asked him to. Not that I want him to still do that
it's just that we aren't as close as we used to be. Maybe
we got beyond the stupid conversations and have nothing
real to talk about.

The wierd feeling is gone and all I feel right now is
straight depression. The world is a dull place and has
nothing to offer me at the moment. Things should pick up
later on. This is just a down point in my life.

Pierre went to get food and has not returned. I had
something I wanted to ask him. I just now forgot what it
is though. Hopefully I will remember before he gets back.

Outside it is getting dark. The passing cars look like
bugs with their lit eyes and dark forms. A street lamp
lights the top of a tree. It looks like a tangled web
against the night sky. I am looking for a star to wish
on. There are none in sight. Maybe it is too early for
them.

The bakery sign still says open. I bet they close in half
an hour. That is when Cal gets off work. She's going to
get some food and come here to collect me so we can take
pictures.

Across the street a single light shines distanly through a
window. A man and woman hurry down the street to the
street light. A car stops to let them cross. It leaves a
cloud of smoke as it takes off.

Outside looks dark and cold. I will find out all too soon
how cold it really is. I will have to venture out to take
pictures. I must remember to put a warm coat on. I also
need to eat at some point today. I had forgotten all
about eating until now.

As if on cue Linkin Park comes along on my play list. In
The End is an amazing song. It got me into Linkin Park.
I suddenly had to have it. This song so reminds me of my
everyday life.

The street lamp has gone from a pinkish tone to a more
normal white one. The cars still stream by on the road
below me. More people cross the road stopping traffic.

The music in my headphones is a strange contrast to the tv
I have muted. They make quite an interesting
combination. You ought to try it sometime.

The show is Smart Guy and it's an episode I have seen. TJ
gets a job working for the chow wagon.

The street lamp has now gone dark. I do believe it is
having problems. For some reason I have not pulled my
curtains yet this evening. Darkness has taken over the
outside world. Even the cars are now few and far between.

Somehow I am reminded of a poem by Ryder Strong (actor
from Boy Meets World. Shawn) It is called My Town. Way
back in the day he used to have a website of poetry and
stuff. I have a hard copy of it around here somewhere.

Maybe he has it somewhere online still. I'll do a through
search for it sometime. I have searched his site and not
found it.

However, in my search I came across an entry he had typed
about WTC that I want to pass on to all of you. The poem
he links to is a good one also. I encourage you all to
read the link and take something from it.

http://www.riderstrong.com/wtc/index.html

Anyway, I have written quite enough for today. I'll let
you resume normal life.