Mr. Nice Guy83

The never-ending chaos
2003-01-30 00:43:40 (UTC)

A letter to the one I love....letter to the ex

Dear Sarah,

This is one of the many letters you will never see.
I need to get my feelings out about you but there is no one
I can go to with them so I write them down. I wish I could
tell you how much I ruminate about you and still love you.
I know I say, “I love you” too much but maybe if I keep
saying it one day you’ll say it back and mean it the way I
do. I listen to you talk about the guys you talk to and
none of them will ever be adequate enough. All I want is
your happiness at whatever cost.

I read all the sayings about “it’s better to have lost at
love than never to be loved at all” to which I would agree
because love is the highest high, the best of the best
feeling in this world but it also puts you to where you can
find the lowest of the low. I think about what life is
worth and not wanting to settle: a stable job that I don’t
enjoy, an unhappily mundane marriage, a BMW in the
driveway, and 2.7 kids and a 401k? What will I be able to
fondly (or bitterly) look back on? Are all these things the
BWM, the 401k worth settling? I know a life without you
would be mundane and unhappy. I am more than willing to pay
this price for you if it is your happiness. I try to tell
you how I feel, but I do what I am best at suck it up and
bit my lip. You are happier without this information after
all there is no point in it. I could tell you all the times
I have cried, the nights all I do is but think of you, and
how I want to be the protector and provider for you, how I
want to be your husband and give you everything I have. I
get angry because I can’t, I am even angrier because I
won’t get the chance.

I think about what you need and kill myself for not being
that. You have no idea how much I want to be yours and you
are mine. I think about all the guys out there and know
they would all fall short of what I would do for you. I am
not perfect, actually no where near it but a few things I
can tell you is my love for you has always been true. I
have never said an “I love you” and not meant it, never a
hollow kiss, not a single mind game. I don’t regret the
choices we made I love you and everything I did was with
nothing but love as my intentions I am not saying it was
right I am just saying it was pure reasons nothing else. I
know no guy can be truer; no guy would give up his own life
just so you wouldn’t stuffer through the most minuscule
thing and I would. I know you wouldn’t believe me and say I
was exaggerating or something but what I say I mean! I
would gladly exchange my life for yours.

I really try to move on and I am sure it will happen when
it happens if it happens. I want what we had but can’t have
it. That is life and I will deal with it. No Ashley will
fill in the gaping hole in my heart that will always urn
for you. No amount of tears will wash you out of my
thoughts. I am so passionate about you and you have only a
slight idea. I don’t want to be a Nate and that is why I
bit my lip 99% of the time. I am not what you need so I
will try to help you find what you need to be happy. This I
think is the best way to truly show you my love because no
words can even try to explain the depth it goes. I try not
to torture myself and think of how it used to be but I
can’t help it. I can’t even get past the night on the dock
and that was only our first night together. That was the
best night of my life! I don’t know what you felt but to me
it was magic (you have said so yourself that it was magic)
the minute my hand found yours on the way up the stairs I
knew there was something special going to happen between
us. How can someone who is my best friend, someone I can
talk to for hours and hours on end, someone who makes me
laugh so much, someone who is so attractive, someone I love
with all that is me, not be mine? These are all the things
I want in my next relationship but I have them with someone
so why would I want any other relationship. Especially when
no one can touch the intensity of these things.

I have a good life and thank God daily for what He has
given me. I keep my head high because I know I am loved. I
keep my head high because I know He has a plan. I pray for
His plan and my love of you to be one and the same. What
will happen, will happen but that doesn’t mean I don’t long
to hold you as tight as possible through out eternity. It
doesn’t mean I won’t want to be your husband, the father of
your children, and your best friend all in one.



Forever yours,


Chris




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