The UnEven Eye
2001-09-17 17:10:33 (UTC)

Why me? ;.;

Today sucks. I don't know what to say. Sunday was
bad. I wne to church. Nothing to do. As I think i
stated before. I don't remeber. Oh well. I don't think
you mind anyway.

To continue I suppose lets get into how bad. My day
is. I hate family. I really do. I swear they cause
me so much turmoil. Its not funny. I don't know what
to say or do. What am I to do. I chose to have my
name changed. Back to what it orginally stated. I
don't care how many people I hurt. Its what I want.
Not what they want.

My mom wants me to see a theripast. she thinks something
is wrong me with. I don't think there is. I don't know
if there is. I don't care if there is. I think I'm
fine all that matters to me is my opoipon on my
self not yours. I qoute " I think you need to talk to
some one" If i wanted to talk don't you think I would?
Well. I think I answered that. I don't want to talk.
If I did I would have by now right?

Lets see. I was also compared to a terrriostic act. I
was like. * Fuck you. I'm nothing like them I have
compassion* That one hurt so badly. I want to smack
and punch the shit out of my father. I don't know who
he thinks he is. To COMPARE me to people who
slaughtered so many. GAH. I think he should be killed
for that. I don't think I could ever talk to that
sorry Fuck again. He doesn't deserve it. Not my
company. OR my words.

My mom. She doesn't get me either. But she is closer
I think. She tries to help. I don't need help. I'm not
weak. I don't want neither. I think I'm kind as I can
be. To her. I think maybe one day she will
understand. What I mean what I say. What I write. She
doesn't understand me either.

I swear I don't how to make them see. They don't wean
to hear me out. I know they try. But they can't
see. I'm so different. Filled with hope, they have
squashed. Filled with joy, they have squandered. I
never. Knew I could say such things. I thinks this how
I feel:

When the night has come.
I sit and dream.
I sing sweet songs.
But sing, no one sings.
My voice is dried.
I think I shall die.
The rose do not blossom.
No not for me.
What shall I do.
I lay beneath a dying tree.
I shall wait.
One last hope may shine.
Not now.
Not never.
But I shall, wait, for ever time.

I wrote another poem. Yea Go me. I wrote.Something.
Yea. I feel so free. Nope. Not really.

Sometimes I sit in this very computer chair. And I do
dream. I look at songs. That give me something to live
for. I don't know. I will never commit suicide. I have
more then these people, my parents think I do. I never
will understand. I can't help that. I don't know if i
can help that. I will try though. I will remain
silent, for ever more. I think.

Thinking about silence. I wish I could lose my voice. I
don't ever want to speak again. SO many words. cause
me turmoil. I don't give a damn. Though. I could slit
my throat. But I won't. I know better. I'm smarter
than that.

I think after this dismil day. I know not for what
I wait to see in the morrow. I don't know if i ever
want to see the morrow. I don't know if i ever want to
see again. Maybe? I don't know.

To add to my greatness. I pushed my friends away.
I feel so kind. I know it. I broke my friend ship
with Erin. She was my first rp friend. I don' know.
what I was thinking. But it doesn't matter. I don't
need anyone. I don't ever want anyone.

Coming as I write and think. Micket warned me. That,
when you look at people, they display how they feel
on the inside out. I don't know. Was he right? Am i
broken, not worth my life, nor death? I don't know.
I think I will reflect on that statement he made. I
hate it when he is right. I know he is. Dang you. *
briefest most sadden smile, that could ever be
displayed on one's face*

Well I think I am done. God knows what I will do. I
have nothing to do. They took my friends. They took
my heart. One of which I thought didn't exist. One
that will never exist anymore. I will never breath
the same air, again. I don;t know. Will I?