The void
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2003-01-29 13:02:18 (UTC)

here goes...

So,it's and my boyfriend have split up.i told
him i loved him when i didn't all this time and it's been
killing me. ok...i'll admit, the reason iv'e been self
harming again is because i was lying to someone i cared
about for so long.when he told me he loved me the first
thing that popped into my head was " he'll be hurt if u
don't say it back" so i said it back, not thinking of the
fact that he'd be even more hurt in the longrun.he was so
angry and upset at fist, nothing i said was getting through
to him.and then all of a sudden when i told him how much
all of this had fucked me up,he decided to say " i
understand why you did it, it's ok" i mean, come on!he's
just saying that because he probably feels sorry for me or
something!he's ringing me tonight,i literally will not be
able to head is messed up, i need to be left
alone,to get on with things.
during that relationship i couldn't talk to him about
anything i liked because i knew he'd disagree.because we
just don't like the same things.i found myself agreeing
with things just because he did!i couldn't talk to him
about things i felt strongly about because he's so stubborn
and arguementative.i thought i was stubborn but thats just
way over the edge!one thing that really botherd me was that
i couldn't talk to him about music. i love's
everything to me and i love to talk about it with close
friends. but he was just so into the same four/five bands
that he'd been listening to for years and refused to listen
to anything new.i can imagine him saying that some of the
most talented bands to come into the rock scene are shit.
when i asked him to stop calling me perfect and to stop
getting obsessed with me,he got all shitty about it just
after he'd told me he wants me to be happy! what's up with
that?!he also got shitty when i told him i'm getting either
my lip or tongue pierced when it's fuck all to do with him!
i'll do what i like and no one will change that.
and now, he refuses to see from my point of view everything
that went wrong with this relationship.he keeps saying its
all's bollox from his side of things, as usual he
doesn't wanna know my reasons because they aint nice.he
disreguards it all.again..stubborn.
i have decided that after seeing how annoying stubborn
people can be i'm willing to open my mind a bit more.being
stubborn is good somethimes but most of the time it makes
you out to be some sort of fool because your not always
i never meant to hurt him. i really didn't. i don't love
him but i care about him, so i don't want to lose him as a
friend but i fear i have no choice if he carries on being
this way with me.if he 'loves' me (so he says) and wants me
to be happy he'd forget about his feelings and let me go.if
i loved someone and this happened to me, i'd let them go.i
wouldn't think about my feelings as long as they were happy.
all my life iv'e been convincing myself that i'm selfish,
and people have told me i'm this once i'm going to
think about the way i feel and do what is going to make me
happy.all i do is sit here and listen to people moan on and
on about their problems and no one ever says thank you. in
think i need this. i need to move on.
in a way he needs to do exactly the same, forget about me,
the silly cow that thought lying to him would make
everything alright and move on and find someone that
appreciates him and that will actually love him.he needs to
have some faith in himself and get over things. easier said
than done i know, but a little bit of effort goes quite a
way!and so far, iv'e not seen one ounce of effort unless
i've begged and pleaded him to do it for me. it shouldn't
be for me, it should be for himself.hopefully he'll realise
that soon enough.these changes he's made in his life will
do him good. and i hope above everything else...that this
has been a wake up call.
people at college have seen my arms and told me that i have
to go to the college counciller.i'll go, but i aint going
to tell her anything. like talking to a complete stranger
that's going to take one look at me and judge me is going
to do one bit of good?!
i don't think i've ever smoked this much in my life.i smoke
one and light another one!this is just creating another
problem for me because i know i'll have to stop.and i can.
i know i can. it's just a matter of when.
i keep seeing and smelling things that aren't there.when
i'm on my way to college the road signs say different
things in my head. for example the sign that says orpington
high street sometimes says gatwick airport and gatwick is
nowhere near orpington and no one else sees it!it's scaring
me! and i've been able to smell things that aren't there
for ages now. about a year.a variety of things, from
curry/gone off milk or fish to disinfectant and what seems
like the smell of rotting corpses!(not nice but that's the
only way i can describe it!)
i triggerd again last night.really bad. i was
shaking,crying,sobbing,i couldn't see anything.i went
bright red and my temperature shot up.but i'm able to say
(proudly) that i got through it. i chucked the scissors and
saftey pins and anything sharp out of my room and put
coldplay on. i cryed for a while snuggled up in my duvet.
then it occured to me that i needed to do something i
enjoyed,so i did my hair.
no one knows whats going on with me. they see me in college
and say " jesus u look rough" not exactly what i want to
hear after sleepless nights is it?i owe my lecturers so
many essays it's untrue. iv'e even forgotten most of what i
have to do.maybe i need a holiday? some time off? no out of
the question because then i'd have to admit whats going on
and i don't wanna cause my parents any more grief.
actually, it would probably give them something else to
moan at me about.