Julianne

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2003-01-29 09:17:58 (UTC)

Life is so damn short

Life is so short when you think about the hours spent
wasted on t.v., food, sleep, driving... But that's all what
life is about. Doing "stuff." I know there is a purpose
to life, but seriously, what is it? Yeah, yeah,
philosophical or not, I really want to know. Some people
make millions of dollars and spend it on the poor. But
what about the poor? Why are they here? What is their
purpose? To create a social class?

My parents bought this new home. At first, I was so
excited. It's a pretty affluent neighborhood but later I
realized it sucked. We have our own area code, own garbage
company, own codes of neighborhood conduct, BLAGH. Sure
it's nice to live in a private, safe neighborhood. But
what's the use if you're not even allowed to work on your
own yard, without getting an approval first? Geez, note to
self-- start a family in Buckley and have the kid go to a
normal school in some other city.

It's odd how time HAS to go by. It's not irreversible. I
wish it was.

My grandfather died today-- on another note. I cried alone
because I wasn't there when my parents were around to tell
me. I thought my mom started to cry on the phone, but I
don't know. It's so sad to think of where my family comes
from. My grandfather has this enormous temper and my
grandmother has basically suffered her whole entire life.
Parents died at age 3, married at 13 and was emotionally
abused by her mother in law. Ha, notice how I still
wrote "has" regarding my grandfather.
Perhaps the main reason I cried was because I felt sorry
for my own parents. They go through life working for me.
Well, I think, for me. I've had countless number of
arguments with my parents about not spending enough time at
home. The last time we did anything as a family was when I
was in the 4th grade and went to an Austrian imitation city
like thing. I'm about to go to college now. Last year
when my grandfather actually had his stroke, my mom cried
asking him to live for just 3 years longer. I do think if
he had lived for another 3 years, we all could've visited
him as a family. Distance is another problem, besides
time. I partly blamed myself for my grandfather's death.
don't ask me why, but I did.

I haven't gone to church for such a long time. It's true,
my faith in God has dwindled in the past year. I honestly
don't know what has come over me. Perhaps the devil
himself? When my grandfather had his stroke, I prayed for
about a month straight, to keep him healthy. And he was.
Then I forgot. Then I forgot to go to church. Then I
forgot completely about him. It's odd, but true that God
listens to me. Everything or almost everything, I've ever
wanted has come true from my praying. I thought that my
praying contributed to my grandfather's increasing health.
And when I forgot, the Lord forgot. Note to self-- pray
tonight and ask for forgiveness, un-selfishness and
productivity.


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