2003-01-29 08:46:10 (UTC)

i just finished trying to write..

i just finished trying to write pisa for class. it came out
like shit, but better and easier than i thought. i can
almost see a real story in there, somewhere.
i am a little happy, i guess.
it is something.
now i just have to set up my colloquium and read songs of
innocence and experience and i should be good.
i would really like a beer right now. or a ciggarette. i
hate how addicted i have been to ciggarettes lately.
i feel worried. about something/ kevin? my god, hugging
him goodbye, and smelling him, his old cologne he always
wore back when i used to be in love with him... and not
wanting him to go off to kuwait, and crying on the way
home... i mean, i really dont think he will, and i really
dont even see or talk to him all that much anymore. but i
do love him and the thought of him being in the middle
fucking east tears me up inside.
is that what i am worried about? partly.
i am also worried about me. about me worrying about people.
about me wanting people to be ok, seeing what they can do
to be ok and not really seeing myself.
i woke up after sleeping for a couple hours last night, and
started thinking about chris. i dont remember what i
thought, but i ended up crying.
what sucks, is that i never really fall out of love. i read
anthony's letters and i fell in love all over again. even
though they were to a 15 year old girl who i dont even
really remember ever being.
i am worried about what history is.
what memory is
what remembering is
and how do i know what they are or how important they are
and how can i write
i dont know how
i dont know what
and i think maybe i am back to not being lonely anymore. am
i? i dont even know. sometimes i still dont understand why
i cant be with chris. sometimes i dont care about anything
and would do anything to be back in his arms. sometimes i
just want that feeling of home again so so badly. here i
go, crying again.
i worry that i am getting old. it feels like i am getting
old. it feels like friends are slipping away... i always
tell rita to let yourself change, grow, but i dont want to
let my friends go. i need them. i am scared of being alone.
i dont want to be alone. i dont want to feel alone.