Jack's Twisted Kingdom
getting over the grrl
so, it's been like, a year, four months, and a half dozen days
and I can still remember vivid details about her. actually, what I
am remembering is the fights, the betrayals, and the intense
love I felt for her, and still do to a point.
I wonder why I am feeling all the bad things. I am trying to
console myself with certain details, but, they have been
fleeting at best, non existant at worst.
I have for the most part tried to wonder why it is the things
went bad, and where.
wasn't there a point, somewhere, when I could have said, no.
sigh, still, when I was with her, all I thought about was her.
when I wasn't I still thought about her. now, I think about her,
every few days, sometimes more, sometimes less...
the singular event I think of so often, however, is that night,
in april nearly 2 years ago, she, did something with gordon, I
know it was more than I was told, but maybe less than I think.
whatever, it's still there, like it happened minutes ago. the
whole 3 days,
perhaps, i have never been, so utterly betrayed,
actually now that I think about it, IT was the first time.
I have never been so hurt, as I had been then.
and I was completely un-prepared for the experience.
I have always steeled my emotions, kept them in check, been
cold, hard as stone, expectant of the worst, but nothing so
much so as that.
hmm, wonder when i will get over her.
i mean, I don't pine for her as I once did, I do lust her, but
then, I don't think that my lust really could ever die for
someone to whom I have given it over to.
perhaps a fuction of my own passion is simply to give, whether
it be embraced or unrequetted.
makes sense to me
maybe I won't ever get over her, I wish I had a switch to turn
off. I have had it for some people, I could just flick, and that
would be the end of it. there'd be nothing they could do to
change my mind of them.
wishing for the switch? wouldn't solve anything, I mean, I've
had closure over the whole affair,
yes, that afternoon, wednesday, june, last year....
made things, bearable? easy?
well, the question is, if she came back into my life would I
jump back in? maybe.
but she won't, I know this, everyone knows this,
mmm, i wonder, what things could have been. but I'll not
dwell on it too long, for long,