Timothy

Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2003-01-29 07:53:13 (UTC)

getting over the grrl

so, it's been like, a year, four months, and a half dozen days

and I can still remember vivid details about her. actually, what I
am remembering is the fights, the betrayals, and the intense
love I felt for her, and still do to a point.

I wonder why I am feeling all the bad things. I am trying to
console myself with certain details, but, they have been
fleeting at best, non existant at worst.

I have for the most part tried to wonder why it is the things
went bad, and where.

wasn't there a point, somewhere, when I could have said, no.

NO

sigh, still, when I was with her, all I thought about was her.
when I wasn't I still thought about her. now, I think about her,
every few days, sometimes more, sometimes less...

weird.

the singular event I think of so often, however, is that night,
in april nearly 2 years ago, she, did something with gordon, I
know it was more than I was told, but maybe less than I think.
whatever, it's still there, like it happened minutes ago. the
whole 3 days,

perhaps, i have never been, so utterly betrayed,

actually now that I think about it, IT was the first time.

I have never been so hurt, as I had been then.

and I was completely un-prepared for the experience.

I have always steeled my emotions, kept them in check, been
cold, hard as stone, expectant of the worst, but nothing so
much so as that.

hmm, wonder when i will get over her.

when

i mean, I don't pine for her as I once did, I do lust her, but
then, I don't think that my lust really could ever die for
someone to whom I have given it over to.

perhaps a fuction of my own passion is simply to give, whether
it be embraced or unrequetted.

makes sense to me

maybe I won't ever get over her, I wish I had a switch to turn
off. I have had it for some people, I could just flick, and that
would be the end of it. there'd be nothing they could do to
change my mind of them.

wishing for the switch? wouldn't solve anything, I mean, I've
had closure over the whole affair,

perhaps...

yes, that afternoon, wednesday, june, last year....

made things, bearable? easy?

sigh

well, the question is, if she came back into my life would I
jump back in? maybe.

but she won't, I know this, everyone knows this,

yeah,

mmm, i wonder, what things could have been. but I'll not
dwell on it too long, for long,

~t~